


Put a'hurtin on my heart.

by asphyl



Series: heartbreak tales [1]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Barebacking, Character Death, Cheating, Heartbreak, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jealousy, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, lying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2020-12-27 03:40:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21112067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asphyl/pseuds/asphyl
Summary: Renji finds out Byakuya is cheating on him.





	1. Breakdown

**Author's Note:**

> this story may not have a happy end. it also has a lot of triggers.  
don't read if any of the tags triggers you please.

_Prologue_

_I stumbled into the apartment I shared with Kira and shut the door as quickly and quietly as I could to avoid Hisagi- Kira's boyfriend- knowing something was wrong. I controlled my breath, or at least I tried to._

_'I won’t hyperventilate. I won’t panic. Above all, I won’t cry. I have to be strong, it’s what I'm known for- strength.’ I thought to myself._

_I, Abarai Renji, lieutenant of the sixth division of the Gotei thirteen, I am… I feel..._

_In my room, I sat on my bed. I could hear his voice in my head saying, “Renji, your eyes are red.” I had smiled and replied him, “I have a one-sided headache Taicho.”_

_It had taken me half of my strength and all my will power to just stand and talk to him. It had taken the other half of my strength to give him a simple smile, when all I wanted to do was breakdown and cry._

_I should have known I wasn’t strong enough yet. I should have known my heart couldn’t take it. I was in love with this man and he had cheated on me. Even though all I want is for things to remain the same, he knows, and I know, everything has changed._

_We can never go back to the way things were._

1

For me a mission always ends and begins with Kuchiki-Taicho. For a long time now, he's been my world. He's my mornings, my dinners, my clothing. I’ve sold myself to him so completely and he didn’t even have to ask. I've loved him beyond my duty and requirements as his lieutenant and an officer of the Gotei thirteen.

So, when I strolled in from Karakura town, earlier than expected from my mission, a mission I had rushed through because I wanted to get back to him, it was to allow me to put my heart at ease. I’d missed Kuchiki-Taicho and his arms. I hadn’t wanted to spend an extra minute there.

Kuchiki-Taicho and I had become lovers when I least expected it, but it had happened, and it had been my dream come true. I have always had a thing for him ever since I was a student in the academy and I first laid my eyes on him.

With that thought and a smile on my face, I raced through the return protocols, so I could rush towards Kuchiki manor and lay my eyes on the light of my life.

A report to be submitted at Sou-Taicho’s office acknowledging my return, (one I had hastily written last night), a limiter to be removed by division twelve’s Akon, a new porcelain tea cup found In Karakura town and bought just for Byakuya gently placed as a surprise gift on his desk, a bag to be dropped off at my official room within division six’s barracks, a quick shower but before that a jigokucho to Kuchiki-Taicho to let him know I would be with him in a jiffy.

I showered in record time and was pulling on my new boxers from the human world, when the first sign that something was not right came flapping through my window.

My hell butterfly flapped its wings agitatedly on my face. I’d never seen an upset jigokucho before that moment. 

I reached for it and prayed silently that all was well. My message had not been delivered, it was the same as before. I froze. My heart skipped a beat, then another. Cold fear gripped my heart and spread like a cancer all over my body.

A hell butterfly won’t deliver messages only when one thing happens- if the Shinigami was dead. No wait a minute, that’s not the only reason.

My mind rushed over my academy lessons on hell butterflies. I could still remember Kira reciting the lesson afterwards while I chewed a blade of grass underneath a tree and pretended not to listen as he was using me as a sounding board.

_‘Reasons why a jigokucho would not deliver a message, are you listening Renji?’ Kira said and powered on without getting a reply from me._

_‘If the recipient Shinigami is dead’_

_‘Two- if the recipient Shinigami is on exile.’_

_‘Three- if the sending or recipient Shinigami is in prison or confinement.’_

_‘Four- if the recipient Shinigami is in the maggots nest.’_

_‘Five-if the message is to the soul king. That one I found out in a book myself.’ He sounded really pleased with himself._

_‘Six- if the message has been blocked using reiatsu from a skilled bakudo user.’_

_‘Seven- if the user is in the Dangai precipice’_

_‘Eight- if the Shinigami is in the human world or Hueco Mundo.’_

_‘Nine…_ at that point I was already drifting off to sleep. I had not heard the rest and how I regretted it now because none of those scenarios applied to this case- I hope.

I shook my head sharply, wondering why my message was undelivered. As far as I could tell, none of those instances were plausible for Kuchiki-Taicho except he was dead.

I rushed into my clothes, my head pounding, my blood running cold, dispatching off the butterfly, I rushed blindly to Kuchiki manor but there were guards at the gate and they won’t let me in.

"What do you mean by I can’t go in? I'm to report to your lord whenever I'm coming back from a mission, you know all this. You know me, I'm not a stranger. Where is Kuchiki-Taicho? Is he ok?" I barraged the guard with questions.

"He's indoors alright, but he doesn’t want to see you." The rude guard declared with pomp.

"That’s impossible! Do you know who I am?" I declared "Go in and tell Kuchiki-Taicho that his fukutaicho is back from his mission and wants to see him."

"I know who you are Abarai Renji, who doesn’t? but I don’t have to go in to ask or any of such nonsense to know you are not welcome here today. Your mission ends today. You are due back from the other world by tomorrow. I already have my orders. Come back tomorrow and I’d let you in, but for today, piss off!"

Unbelievable! Unheard of! How could this piss-poor idiot treat me so terribly? Does he know where I stand with the lord of this manor? I'm unbelievably angry now. I don’t need his permission anyway to see Byakuya.

If the servants won’t let me in through the front gate, I’d go in through the back and woe betides that horrid guard when I let Kuchiki-Taicho know what he did. Confidently I turn around and retreat.

Wrapping and concealing my reiatsu as much as possible was the first step. Scaling the fence was easy using shunpo. Finding my way unseen to other Kuchiki guards was easier. Now all I needed to do was pass through Byakuya's Sakura gardens.

He had sneaked me in and out of his bedroom through this pathway, far too many times without the knowledge of his minions.

I turned around the corner and hid behind the wall, just a few more steps and I’d be at his door. A servant girl passed close by walking quickly, carting away a tray of empty plates. She didn’t see me, but I saw the plates.

That was the same number of plates taken away after Kuchiki-Taicho and I finished dinning together. Just before or after he makes love to me. He likes to replenish his energy for his night time games. I stare at her retreating form knowing something was amiss.

Like a sucker punch, the realization winded me. Kuchiki-Taicho was in there with someone. Is that why I'm not welcome here today but I will be welcome tomorrow?

My head feels heavy, my chest is burning as I am suddenly struggling to breathe, my heart has picked up pace. I feel like I'm in a horror movie and I'm about to meet the masked killer. One of those kind of horror flicks Sado- Ichigo’s friend- loved to make us watch in the human world.

Do I go in or not? do I step forward to his door? Do I want to see what I think I would see? Kuchiki-Taicho thrusting… no! it’s not… Kuchiki-Taicho loves me. He said so severally, he won’t do that sort of thing because he loves me. He said so himself with no coercion from me.

My feet had involuntarily carried me to the door and with shaky hands, I pushed the doors open.

Kuchiki-Taicho was sitting on his bed alone. He looked as beautiful as ever. He was also putting on one of those boxers I'd given him as a back-from-a-mission-gift. Instantly I felt guilty. I was letting my imagination run amok.

Slung over his shoulders was a white kimono, open at the middle from the top to bottom so I could see his hard pecs peeking from underneath the robe. His long pale legs stretched out as he relaxed, half lying, half sitting. His long black hair completely loose and falling over his shoulders, he lay with a small smile playing at the edges of his lips.

I felt that rush of emotions and adoration flood my mind beginning to calm me down. He was alive, and he was alone quietly enjoying time to himself. That was all they should have said at the gate, I cursed at myself for interrupting his peaceful afternoon.

Suddenly he looked up and locked eyes with me. I didn’t anticipate his reaction next. His eyes went cold, the smile vanished from his lips and he sprang to his feet covering his nakedness hastily and tied the sash of the kimono.

"What are you doing here Renji? I did not invite you to come over today. He sounded cold and I felt the beginnings of confusion in my head.

Coming from his lips, the words felt like a staccato of ceros blasted in quick succession on me from a deadly hollow. When did I ever need an invitation before I could see Kuchiki-Taicho?

“What?” I croaked in disbelief- “Kuchiki-Taicho…" I began.

“You're not supposed to be here now, leave.” He cut me short.

“But Taicho…” I started again

“I said I don’t want you here. Go away Abarai.” he sounded angry now.

I'm still trying to process recent events when a gentle voice cuts through my consciousness.

“What is the meaning of this Byakuya?” the soft voice asks.

My head snaps up in seconds to gaze upon the masked killer. I didn’t recognize her, but she was clearly a Kuchiki noble woman. An equally half naked noblewoman wearing a see-through negligée and she was hot!

I could see the rosy peaks of her nipples. They looked puffy as though they’d not long ago been nibbled upon and sucked thoroughly. I should know because before Kuchiki-Taicho, I was a horrible ladies man.

I stood in shock, she looked at me then Byakuya quizzically. Kuchiki-Taicho looked evil, about to murder me.

“Who are you?” I demanded, the one coherent thought in my mind.

“What do you mean who am I?” she countered, “who are you to ask me who I am, and what are you doing in Kuchiki-Taicho’s bedroom?”

“I could ask you the same thing but since you asked, I am lieutenant Abarai Renji of division six and Kuchiki-Taicho is MY boyfriend. Now who the hell are you?”

“He's lying.” Byakuya said appearing at my side simultaneously. He gripped my elbow and proceeded to shove me out of the bedroom.

Hot anger slammed through my gut and I shoved him off me. Gearing into shunpo, I was back in the bedroom before he could react, promptly plopped myself down on the nearest stool and started to say.

“Sit down darling, we need to talk.”

Once again the strong arms of Byakuya circled me and I was shunpoed out of the room. Although it happened in less than a second- and Byakuya is real fast- it all happened in slow motion for me.

One moment I'm about to interrogate the imposter, the other I'm being dragged out roughly by Byakuya.

He tosses me far away from himself and his room door. Somewhere during that process, his long nails scratch lines across my chest.

A thought flashes through my mind- _‘I was not around last weekend.’_

I always come around on weekends with my nail cutter to visit Kuchiki-Taicho and clip his nails for him. He simply won’t let anyone else touch his hands. He never lets anyone else touch him at all, matter of fact. No one except me- except today when he was obviously letting HER touch him.

Reality rushes into my head as I screech to a halt midair, and before he can shut the door, I shunpo right back into the room. I am also fast, I’ve learned well from him.

He must’ve expected it because he's pounced on me and we grapple at each other, struggling as the lady watches us in disbelief.

“Young man you are going to hurt yourself.” She cries out in concern.

She believes Kuchiki-Taicho is about to really put a’hurtin on me. She sounds scared but Kuchiki-Taicho can’t hurt me, it’s me- his Renji. Or so I thought and didn’t put too much heart into the struggle.

He shoves me, and I crash into the wall, it’s nothing to me, I spring back agilely after all sometimes with Kuchiki-Taicho, wrestling is foreplay.

“I said I want you out of my house.” He roars. In that second, looking at him, his eyes are filled with dark hate. He's looking at me as though I'm a criminal. I take a step towards him involuntarily. I don’t want to believe that look is for me.

“What's this Taicho? Are you cheating on me now? And with…” I gestured at her as we circled each other. I glanced at her and asked, “how long have you been with Kuchiki-Taicho?”

“I don’t owe you any explanations young man.” She rudely interjected.

“No, you don’t but when you are in my boyfriends’ house, underdressed and looking like you're about to get your brains fucked outta you, pardon me if I should feel a tad bit concerned about that.”

I curse myself inwardly, my Inuzuri accent breaks through when I'm mighty pissed. Now she’s going to look down on me for my humble beginnings, I can tell because she had that smirk of superiority at my last statement.

“Shut the fuck up Renji and get out of here. I said I want you out of my house.” Byakuya stepped up to me and grabbed my wrist again.

I have embarrassed him, he's embarrassed to be associated with me. Renji from the rukongai. Caught sleeping with a rukongai dog such as myself and by a fellow noble. I'm sure he's about to toss me out again.

Prior to that moment, I've been using little or no force on him, we've been playing at this game between us but I'm out of patience suddenly.

Violently, I snatched my wrist out of his hand. Hands that had previously held mine with tenderness and care, yet now…

“Leave me alone! Leave me the fuck alone Byakuya!” I yell uncharacteristically at him.

I saw the small look of surprise flit across his face. He hadn’t expected me to defy him in front of an audience. It’s also the very first-time I’d called him by his given name outside our lovemaking sessions. I usually did when he was buried deep within me, making me moan, when he'd lean forward and whisper against my ear

_“Say it Renji, say my name…”_

Byakuya- his name is usually a pleasure to me but today, it’s a tortured prayer. A prayer for him to be joking about this horror. A prayer for him to stop this craze at once. A prayer that reveals the turmoil raging in me.

I don’t need these memories making me question everything I know. That was what confused me now. My head was exploding, my ears burned red, my eyes were filling up rapidly with tears. The information did not add up. The more I tried to figure out what was going on the more my head hurt. My knees were shaking so bad threatening to give way.

Kuchiki-Taicho was now across the room, trying to gather the lady in his arms. In a gentle voice he was saying, “Darling its nothing really, he's nothing to me. I'm not dating him. Please believe me.”

My legs give way now, I let them and sat abruptly on the dressing stool close by. I buried my face in my palms briefly. A riot of emotions well up in me- hurt, anger, above all fear. The resounding thought bouncing around in my mind, _I'm now nothing to him._

“Kuchiki-Taicho is everything alright in there?” It was one of the Kuchiki manservants checking on his lord. Kuchiki-Taicho rushed outside and for a split second I wondered why. Why was he suddenly ok leaving us alone together?

In that same split second the answer came to me, he didn’t want anyone to identify me to this lady. The servant would pay his respects to me if he came in and saw me.

Once again, I cursed inwardly at my slowness. I should have gotten him to come into the room as desperation began to grow quickly inside me.

The desperation to belong, to be known, to be the one in the right place at the right time. I wanted her to know I wasn’t a nobody. I was somebody to Kuchiki-Taicho. I was his fucking lover for crying out loud.

“You said you're his boyfriend?” The quiet unsure question came floating across the room at me.

I looked at the young lady and felt something akin to pity for her, just as she was beginning to look like she pitied me.

“Yeah, for five years now and I've been his fukutaicho for much more than that altogether.”

“Are you just his boyfriend or did he ask you to marry him?”

The seeming innocent question was anything but innocent. Did he ask her to marry him?

“Did he...’ I couldn’t even ask, I panicked and forced it out, “did he ask you to marry him?”

“Renji, I said you should leave here at once.” Byakuya was back and in addition to his face clouded with anger so dark, was underlying panic and…was that fear too?

What was he afraid of? Losing her?

“Kuchiki-Taicho I…” I tried to speak again.

“Just shut up and leave my house.” He yelled at me, grabbing me and trying his best to shove me out. 

I'm ready for him this time. I dug my heels in and stayed grounded. I would not move an inch until I get me some answers. Anger burning like hot liquid fire moves through my veins.

More scratches, more slams against the wall and the floor, more shoves in his desperate attempt of being rid of me but stay put I did. All the while I desperately ask.

“Why don’t you want her to hear me out Kuchiki-Taicho? You don’t want her to know how you're constantly with me, asking me for sex? Do you intend to marry her?” I was beyond desperate now.

I needed to hear just one thing. A simple NO would suffice. I could fall on my knees right now and beg him to just say he wasn’t marrying her.

“I owe you no explanations, you're nothing to me.” He declared looking deep into my eyes.

My heart squeezed in pain, sharp physical pain. I was choking. I was losing air. I clutched at my chest trying to ease the pain. I was dying I knew it had to be death. I was losing consciousness, I was falling. I clutched flailing at him as I fell.

His arms automatically went around me, holding me up but I was still losing ground. Losing him. When? How? How could this have happened to me? How could this be?

No! I won’t faint. I am not a girl but dammit do I want to black it all out, this nightmare. The pain is unbearable. Byakuya is unbearable. These arms around me are unbearable, holding me up just the way he would after I swoon in a moments passion.

These thoughts are conflicting. How can my sweet and passionate Byakuya be saying these things to me? How is his voice so dark, so full of hate? What did I do wrong? Why is he not choosing me as I thought he always would? Why are these hands touching me not the hands of passion?

A memory surfaces unbidden. One of those nights when his ardor had overcome him in this very spot. In front of his dresser and mirror, he had clung to me just as he was doing now. He had lost his control and bent me over this same stool.

His hands had pulled aside my undergarments hastily to expose my chrysanthemum hole, as he referred to it as. I’d been taken in the office not too long before then and was still wet with the oil he'd used and his fluids.

He breached my bottom in one go, filling me completely with his hard cock and proceeded to do so again and again until I fell faint in his arms and he leaned over me forcing my face into the stool.

He breathed into my ears, panting hotly, showing no signs of stopping. My submission to his thrusts making him go wild and faster right before he grunted into my ears

_“I'm lost without you Renji, but you're mine, aren’t you?”_ he had sounded so broken, so hot that night. I could hardly give him an answer as he keened and exploded inside me.

Yet here we stood draped around each other, and now I'm nothing.

I'm even more confused now. Same face, same lips, same hands gripping me tight, same spot, same eyes… no! different eyes. Eyes full of anger. Fear overwhelms me.

I shudder involuntarily, a tear escapes my right eye, I yanked myself out of his arms in panicked fear and I back away from him.

“Don’t touch me.” I said in a hoarse whisper. It comes out full of the fear I feel.

He takes a step towards me, I suppose to once again physically throw me out again.

“I said stay away from me or I swear Kuchiki-Taicho I will defend myself.” I yell attempting to sound brave. I don’t feel brave. I feel broken.

He stopped in his tracks. He knew what I was capable of. He knew I was serious now.

“Let him speak Byakuya.” The lady said softly.

“Shut up Karini.” He growled

“Oh, that is your name? it’s been a pleasure to meet you, but I regret to say I gotta go. I hope you can take my advice when I say – run.”

I turned around in a daze and rushed out of the room. I geared into shunpo, I didn’t know what to do, what was I going to do now? I didn’t know where to go. I just had to keep on moving. My mind was jumbled up with riotous thoughts.

****

“Abarai fukutaicho.” The greetings from several division members brush my ears in passing. I barely hear them, but I try to respond as normal as I could. I know it’s not everyday someone like me gets to be so blessed with people who like me.

I force my replies out, smile as much as possible to my comrades. Their respect for me, their love even if I dare say is evident. My subordinates love me but my captain…Kuchiki-Taicho…

The pain comes back in full force. I fear I would double over from the pain if I didn’t get away and now. I walked quickly to my room, picked up my yet unpacked bag and the only expensive thing I own which Kuchiki-Taicho didn’t buy for me, my sunglasses.

I put them on. They would hide my pain from the world. I rush to division 13 to ask a favor of Ukitake Taicho. Picking up a surveillance mission is easy and in the next four hours, I was passing through the senkaimon into Karakura town.

“Renji when did you get here? I thought you left not too long ago?” Ichigo greeted me warmly from the door leading into Urahara's store, he seemed to be on his way out.

“Can’t you see I'm just arriving?” I snapped at him. I really didn’t mean to. I notice his eyebrows raise questioning. “I'm sorry Ichigo I didn’t mean that.” I apologize.

“What is the matter Renji and don’t tell me it’s nothing.” He pushed.

“I really don’t want to talk about it.” I said bitterly, “Just…just let it go ok?”

“Well, I’d let you then, but you and I should spar soon.”

“Of course.” I agreed. That would help me let off some steam. It would be the distraction I needed.

Quickly I got my gigai from Urahara. Jinta, Ururu and Tessai seemed to be off somewhere running an errand, so Urahara was the one helping me out.

As I struggled in to it, the ever perceptive Kisuke Urahara asked, “what's the problem Renji?”

“Nothing Urahara-san.”

“Then why are you so quiet today? Why haven’t you complained about your gigai?”

That’s when I saw it. My gigai was clothed in female clothes. A short nifty skirt that allowed my long legs to peek out sexily, femininely, womanly…just like the woman Byakuya was fucking.

The hurt in my chest increased, my eyes watered, my throat choked, my stomach turned, I felt ill. I felt inadequate. A sob broke out of my lips before I could stop it.

The feeling of inadequacy I’d struggled to push back since my discovery took over and overwhelmed me. _Byakuya was cheating on me because I couldn’t give him what he wanted. He wants… I won’t say it, I won’t cry. I won’t give him that satisfaction._

The warmth of Kisuke's hand on my shoulder brought me back to reality. I wanted to lean on him, push my face into his shoulder, wrap my arms around his waist and cry- bawl out my eyes. I really did, but this is Kisuke. I’d never hear the last of it.

I manned up and controlled myself but even then, I had given away too much information by my reaction to the skirt. I could see the panicked look of concern on his face as he was probably wondering if he had taken a joke too far.

Thankfully he said nothing, apologizing simply by changing the clothes to some jeans and a t-shirt.

“I'm going to start my mission. I’d be back in the evening.” I said to Urahara who gave me a nod and I left.


	2. Can I get over you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renji tries to cope with his unexpected loss

Some idiot said, _‘To get over someone, get under someone.’_ Like I said, an idiot because it was the worst idea ever.

I'm in this room, in one of those places Ichigo calls a ‘love hotel’, lying on my back while he grinds his pelvis against mine and softly begs me to play with his nipple.

I'm unresponsive to him, in fact I'm annoyed in this moment. It's been weeks and I don't feel any better.

Hirako Shinji has been trying to get into my pants from the moment I met him. And if you know Shinji, he's the only most charming guy ever. Except that he's the worst player in existence this side of the Sereitei. He's also been dating Otoribashi Rose, for how long now? Those guys are literally married.

Even I am not privy to how long those two have been together, I had always erroneously, in the beginning, thought Rose was with Love Aikawa seeing as they were always together. That was until Ichigo innocently made a pass at Rose and incurred the wrath of Shinji.

So why were we together in bed? I don’t know. I haven’t been able to think properly in the last few days, I haven’t been myself I guess. I'm not even sure how I ended up here with Shinji.

“Renji darling, please play with my nipples.” He begs.

I feel bile rising in my throat.

I don’t want to play with anybody’s nipples. I don’t want to be kissed. I certainly don’t want to be touched. I shoved him off me and quickly raced to the bathroom.

Staring myself down in the mirror, I can hardly appreciate the beauty of the light green tiles on the wall. I begin to scrub my face where his lips have touched. I feel like I'm cheating on Byakuya and I hate myself even more for that.

Once you catch your significant other cheating on you, doesn’t it mean the end of your relationship with them? I try to reason the matter out. Convince myself to be with someone else. It’s obviously not working. Not to mention, we will be cheating Rose.

I miss Byakuya. I want to see him. I ache for him. I crave his presence. I want to laugh with him again. I want his arms to encircle me in them. I want to forget his betrayal. Oh kami! I hate myself for wanting all that.

I replay in my mind again how he shoved me and yelled at me. All the hate filled gazes he gave me, and I hate him for hating me. He wronged me so why the hell was my heart screaming for him. I hate him! Right now, I hate him, I tell myself_. I love him_, my heart whispers.

I stagger unsteadily out of the bathroom. I remember now, I'm drunk. I went to drown my sorrows in alcohol and must've drunk dialed Shinji. But now I need to be alone.

Shinji sits at the beds edge looking confused. “Have I done something wrong?” Within his question a silent plea for an explanation.

I feel shitty having dragged him into a mess he knows nothing about. “No, you haven’t.” I pray silently he would let the issue go. He doesn’t.

“You do this to me every damn time. You call me up, say ‘let’s hook up’, we get here and then you decide at the last minute you don’t want to fuck me. Just tell me what's the matter. What did I do this time or are you being your usual selfish self?”

I shamelessly refuse to own it. I refuse to take the high road. I lash out at him like I know I should be lashing out at someone else.

“Selfish?” I sound really angry, “I’m, here aren’t I? came all the way to see you, to be with you but…you're not mine to take. I want to be with you Shinji but I'm not the one who went and got married. I told you our fooling around ended if you got married.”

“Oh, so now you have a problem with me and Rose. I asked you at that time if you would stay with me. You said no. You said you didn’t believe two guys should settle down together.”

I do remember saying that, I was just grasping for straws then and trying to guilt Shinji into a bad corner. How was I supposed to tell him the truth about five years ago? It was around the time Kuchiki-Taicho had started taking an interest in me.

“You knew I was in love with you…” he was saying, I didn’t have the mind space to deal with his emotions, so I interrupt him.

“Yes, you said so until I realized you also loved Rose deeply and would pick him instead of me every fucking time. Who wants to be second pickings?”

“That’s just unfair Renji, you know I almost left him for you, but you told me not to bother myself.”

“If you needed to ask me first, then there was no point. You should have just done it. Chosen me!” I cried out knowing I was saying these words to the wrong man.

Shinji and I had never had the break up quarrel following our brief fling. I hadn’t been interested since I knew my heart was never his. Now, I was just torturing the wrong man.

Shinji got up and picked up his clothes discarded in haste on the floor. He put them on silently. He was leaving… he was leaving me. I felt that rush of panic and fear once again.

“Hirako, please don’t…” I pleaded not even sure what I was asking for. I could feel my body begin to shake in uncontrolled fright.

“We don’t need this Renji, it’s best we just stay friends and try not to see each other. You don’t even want me physically. At least, not anymore. Do you know how much knowing that hurts? I tell myself you would change eventually. I've been fooling myself, haven’t I?”

“Shinji, I can’t want what I can’t have- _not again not after Byakuya kami! Not after all my longing for him-_ you and Rose are a fucking classic man, you guys have been together since before I even became a Shinigami.”

“Yes, we were, until I took one look at you and wanted you with my whole black heart.” He sounded very sad. “Take care Renji.” He turned to leave.

“Shinji please.” I begged openly now, I had thought I wanted to be alone. But the way the feeling of abandonment was about to break me open, I was desperate. I needed to be with a friend.

He paused at the door. He waited. I knew what he wanted me to say. He wanted me to say we can be together, that we can try again. I tried. I couldn’t. I could never give it to him. With a sense of loss, I knew what I had to do.

“Shinji I'm sorry.” I apologized. “I'm so sorry.”

He said nothing. He retreated.

I lie in bed for a while. I can’t stay here. I call Ichigo as a last resort. I have no one else to call.

***

Hanging out in Ichigo’s room is easy. He's sitting at his desk trying to catch up on school work in his free time, so I get the bed, after a quick shower. His dad seems to have turned down his surprise break in’s a little. I guess he senses when Ichigo has a guest and doesn’t burst in as he's said to do. Maybe he wants to avoid being greeted with a scene he cannot un-see.

I'm thinking deeply and playing one of Ichigo's handheld video games while he works. We observe mutual silence, which is odd. I know this because he always complains that I need to shut up. He hasn’t had to say that to me today.

Occasionally I feel his eyes roam over my reclining form, he looks at me with concern in his eyes. He knows something is wrong, perhaps from the moment he saw me outside Urahara's shop. Or maybe Kisuke said something to him. I don’t try to bring the topic up.

Frankly I'm in no mood for anything. I'm just grateful he says nothing. I don’t know why but I notice he's keeping bugging me to a minimum today.

“Ichi-nii, dinner is ready.” Yuzu’s soft voice calls to him from outside his door.

“Thank you, Yuzu, but I'm still studying.” He responds back.

“Ok I’d bring it to you.” She counters and disappears before he can say something else.

It’s when she comes back with food enough for two people, I realize he deliberately insisted on not going down, so that he could share dinner with me. Must've been code between the siblings, for her to know he had a guest.

He takes the tray of food from her, thanks her and shuts his door with one leg. Placing the tray on the floor, he silently begins to dish the food into two separate plates. There’s rice and fish sauce and some salad by the side.

I guess I'm hungry after all because my stomach begins to rumble at the delicious scent of fresh fish. When he's done, he puts a plate in front of me and says quietly, “Eat Renji.”

He settles into his own plate while I crawl over to mine and begin to eat. It tastes so good but after a few bites, I can’t go any further. It's as though my stomachs capacity has shrunk. It can barely contain any food in it. I have not been eating in over a week.

I put my plate down and Ichigo gives me a surprised look.

“That is not a lot Renji. You should try and finish it. You’ve barely eaten anything since you arrived.”

When I don’t respond, simply looking impassively at the food, he asks, “What is the problem? Talk to me Renji, look you’ve lost so much weight in so short a time. Can you even lift Zabimaru?”

I look away from the piercing searching look he's giving me and say, “I can fight just fine.”

“Then would you spar with me tonight?”

“Ok.” I agreed after a moment’s hesitation. He looked happy at my response.

***

Sparring was not a good idea. Not only did it complete the job of sobering me up completely, it brought with it memories. Memories of beautiful black hair, slender pale hands that dealt painful blows to unguarded body parts.

Everyone thinks Byakuya fights with honor, I know better. When we spar, he would push me back with brute force and under handed tricks. He even goes as far as exposing a bare thigh to distract me, and boy does seeing any inch of that pale beautiful skin distract me.

And now thoughts of him distract me from the fact that Ichigo's is charging at me. He yells and strikes as I dodge last minute, still the tip of Zangetsu nicks my kimono as I side step just in time. I swear Ichigo takes this sparring thing more seriously than he should.

He stopped and rushed to me. His face is full of fear and concern, this is becoming an epidemic- Ichigo's faces of concern. He's touching my shoulder searching for a wound saying

“I felt it Renji, I felt Zangetsu cut something. Did I hurt you? I'm sorry.”

His hands running over my body trigger another memory.

***

Another day sparring and Byakuya had indeed cut me. It as a tiny nick from one of Senbonzakura’s many sharp petals but it was a head wound. As all head wounds are wont to do, it bled freely and soon my face and the front of my kimono was covered in blood.

“Are you alright Renji.” Byakuya had fussed as without hesitation, he tore a strip from his crisp white robe and applied pressure to the wound. “Let’s get you to a healer.”

“No Kuchiki-Taicho, it’s just a small cut. I’d be fine. Let’s just practice.” I urged him.

He was having none of my suggestion. “But you're bleeding.” He insisted, running his hand comfortingly over my body.

At that time, we were not yet lovers and the way he was touching me… I was so frightened he would find out his touch was making me all hot and bothered. I didn’t know how to respond to this reaction from him.

“I've taken worse cuts than this Kuchiki-Taicho,” I protested.

“I know, still I can’t bear to see you so wounded. Come to my house at least, let's clean it up and put my mind at ease.”

Kuchiki-Taicho had never bothered about me getting injured during sparring. In fact, he took pride in showing me off when I could withstand a good beating. So, him cajoling me till I found myself in his room was inevitable, I was enjoying the attention.

I was given a drink, to numb the pain and to prevent an infection, he said. I watched as his servants ran about setting things up ceremoniously for him, before he set himself to the task of cleaning me up.

His hand movements were soothing, almost hypnotic. That drink had to have been laced with something else as I began to feel drowsy. His hands and the wet cloth were now stroking my chest. I fell asleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night half naked and feeling drowsy still, tucked into Byakuya's bed and his side. I felt too weak to move or protest, I didn’t want to either. My entire body was aligned to his and an arm possessively held me to his chest.

If I’d been in my right senses, I’d have run away from him that night. I was not. I just lay staring at how beautiful he was even in sleep.

It was also the night that started out secret life together. That night we shared the first of our secret kisses. Secret because we never spoke about them once we were awake.

Kuchiki-Taicho had woken up sometime during my staring session and locked eyes with me. I mildly panicked as he'd seen me staring at him, but I couldn’t turn my eyes away.

Sleepily, he pulled me up to his face and crushed his lips to mine. I gasped in surprise and grabbed his shoulders and held on for dear life. His tongue swept past my lips, prodded my mouth and began sucking and licking. Sucking and taking my breath and my soul away.

He took my lips. He took my tongue. He took my DNA filled spittle, he took my heart and I wasn’t even ready to give it to him then.

***

“Renji.” Ichigo's voice broke through my daze.

“Ichigo I'm fine.” I protested.

“No, you're not,” he stated. “Look, you know what, let’s just go home ok. We can talk there.”

Ichigo pulled me all the way to Inoue’s house where he explained quickly why he wanted to cancel their dates in the next few days and why he will be unavailable too. Then he hauled my ass to his room. Once indoors, he asked angrily

“Now tell me Renji, what is the meaning of this?” He gesticulated to my crest fallen state. “You're like a zombie. You walk around like a hollow, you pick at your food, you scared the living daylights out of me just a while back. So, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

Unable to control myself, the tears began to flow unbidden.

“Byakuya…” I began,_ “…cheated on me… I caught him pants down.”_ I couldn’t even say it out loud.

“What the…” Ichigo was obviously taken by surprise by my breakdown. “I'm so sorry Renji.” He rushed to my aching sobbing self, grabbed my hands to squeeze them. He didn’t even know what Byakuya did yet he was so sympathetic.

I threw caution aside and flung myself into his arms and wept. I was so starved of human contact, a caring touch, a caress. I felt so guilty, humiliated, so inadequate and my body shook with heavy emotion. The pain I’d been trying to contain burst out ingloriously to the surface.

When Ichigo's arms wrapped around me and tightened, and his lips brushed against my temple in gentle butterfly kisses and soft caressing comfort, I let myself go. I wept like a baby.

How could I explain to him how desperately in love I was with Byakuya and how he had hurt me? How could I tell anyone that he didn’t choose me when it mattered? How could I ease this pain that so desperately threatens to kill me?

How can I explain that I'm losing my mind? My body has shut down all unnecessary functions not compatible with a broken heart- that included, the fact that I was not eating, sleeping or even thinking properly. All I could think of was trying to find out where I went wrong and how I could make it right.

What did I do to deserve this? Did I not love him enough? Maybe I didn’t show him enough that he was my world. Did I do something to offend him and not apologize? Where did I go wrong?

Do I not kiss properly? Do I make love to him poorly? Don’t I satisfy him in bed? Everything in my life right now has come into question. All my decisions, all my lifestyle choices. I scramble in my mind looking for what to change to get him back.

Of course, getting him back means I've lost him. Have I lost him for good?

I cry harder. My crying is undignified. Footsteps rush up the stairs to Ichigo's room and stop outside. Probably they realize he's not the one crying and stay silent.

Ichigo is not used to this sort of behavior from me but he doesn’t push me away. He's so caring it’s easy to forget about a lot and take advantage of him. He cradles me, he rocks me, he pets me gently letting me get all cried out.

With a handkerchief, he's gently cleaning my face as my sobs decrease in intensity and my shaking eases up. I notice he's touching me and caressing me like a lover. My body having gone untouched for weeks now, responds shamelessly to his touch.

For the first time in weeks I'm feeling. I'm feeling things I’d never considered since the incident and kami! It feels like it’s been years. I'm a bit stunned as my body trembles involuntarily under his fingers. I know he felt me shudder.

I lift my face to apologize and explain that it’s been long for me, so he should take no offense. He dips his head in and captures my mouth with his open mouth. He presses in quickly and hot. All thought flies out of my mind. All I see is hot molten brown eyes and a golden halo of orange hair as wet lips move over mine.

A desperate sound escapes from my throat taking even me by surprise, I open further and his hot tongue sweeps in. It probes my mouth gently, almost tentatively, he kisses me better.

When his lips smack off mine in satisfaction, I can almost swear I'm in love. My mind is blank with a peaceful blankness. Gone are those torturing thoughts about Byakuya. I'm serene even as I look at him glassily.

“Renji.” He drawls, he sounds aroused.

“Renji.” He says again, and I know what he's really saying. “Renji.” His hands tighten around me and pull me in closer.

His eyes searching, his throat working as he swallows, his Adams apple bobbing, he's wanton. He wants to touch me again. He wants to make love to me. I want to let him, really, I want him to make love to me and make me forget the pain and humiliation.

Instead, I give him an open-mouthed kiss, once on his lips and before he can react, I pull away and disappear through his window.

I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready for anything. But Ichigo knows how to make a person want. I stop short just outside Kisuke's shop as an important detail reenters my mind. Ichigo has a girlfriend. Fuck!!

He's no different from Byakuya- pussy lovers that want to raise and dash the hopes of people like me. And I don’t want to be the one who hurts Inoue. Feeling sad, I walk dejectedly into Urahara's store, find my usual spot empty and lie down.

It seems even Jinta is leaving me be these days. Urahara Kisuke lets me know a recall summons came for me from the Sereitei while I was gone. I thank him and fall asleep quickly. I'm exhausted from running away, from wanting sexual release and being unable to find it, I'm exhausted from crying.

***

I'm on my way out when Ichigo and Chad are coming in. They’re probably going to spar. I feel ashamed and somewhat hurt at the same time when I see Ichigo's unreadable face.

He no longer has that fire in his eyes. He just looks passive.

“Renji.” Chad greets and steps in ahead of Ichigo whom I'm about to pass but his hand shoots out and grabs my wrist and stops me from progressing past.

Impassively, he begins, “About yesterday Renji, I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to take advantage of you.”

“It’s nothing Ichigo.” I say quickly trying to snatch my wrist back and avoid the awkward conversation. “I understand I have a boyfriend, you have a girlfriend. It can’t work between us.”

He clutches tighter and pulls me closer, his lips dangerously close to my right ear. He doesn’t want anyone to hear our conversation because heaven knows the entire crowd inside are probably falling over themselves to.

“You don’t understand, He doesn’t deserve you Renji.”

I looked up sharply at his face. It’s still Ichigo passively looking at me but underneath I can see that thing lurking. Deep and dark desire brimming in the depths of his eyes.

“And you do?” I asked.

“I treat all of mine with respect.” He said with a low growl.

I could feel it now, the hollow inside him was itching to dominate me, to claim me. I want to give in to my feelings. I want to belong to someone again, I want to let him touch me again, maybe have me even in the front of this store, but I can’t.

“I have to be on my way Ichi-kun.” I whisper to him, my very private pet name for him. It soothes him.

His free hand settles on my back and strokes all the way down as he hugs me goodbye. I still feel the want in his body. I wonder why with him, it feels different.


	3. Returning to deal with bad news.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renji tries to adjust.

In the Sereitei, I make my report quickly and submit it at division two. It’s a surveillance on Kisuke's Gargantua and the presence of any opened and unreported Gargantua’s in recent times.

_If Urahara knew, he might not let me back into his store._ I think to myself.

I decide to check on Kira Izuru before I return to the sixths barracks to start tidying up any work that might’ve piled up. I've decided to deal with this heart ache by sinking into work.

Seeing Izuru can always make me smile despite whatever is ongoing in my life. His moodiness always without fail forces life out of me. It’s also from him I hear the news.

The moment I walked into Izuru's office and he looks up to see it’s me, he springs out of his seat and flies in to my waiting arms.

“Oh Renji,” he says his voice full of anguish, “I'm so sorry.” Then he began to weep in between repeated apologies.

“Come on Izuru, nothing can be that bad, please cheer up for me. I'm ok, really I am.”

“How can it not be that bad? Don’t say such a thing.” He said lifting tear filled eyes to mine and swatting at my arm halfheartedly. It makes me want to hold him close and comfort him. I do. We cling to each other as he gently sobs.

I can understand Ichigo now and why we kissed. Its easy to catch the feeling of wanting to kiss away a loved one’s tears. I would give anything to stop the hurt in Kira's heart. Any day, anytime.

“Kuchiki-Taicho is to be married to some floozy and you say nothing is that bad?” he says softly while stroking my neck comfortingly.

My heart stopped, my breath ceased, my chest exploded in pain anew, my vision went blurry, my head…my head swam with dizziness. Kira-kun was crying for me because he knew how bad it was. Ichigo must've heard about it before I left the human world. I stood still in shock.

Kira quickly noticed my reaction and pulling away to look me over he said in a devastated tone, which mimicked exactly how I felt.

“Kami!! You didn’t know. What a bastard! I'm sorry I shouldn’t have said it that way.”

Kira’s tears intensified, and he clung to me again. I'm not sure now who is more in need of comfort- him or me. I want to cry but I can’t.

Kira is the only friend in the Sereitei whom I had told about my feelings for my captain. He was always so encouraging and totally excited when Byakuya and I finally got together.

We stay In each other’s arms for a long time, just standing, just hugging. With time, Kira’s tears subsided. He doesn’t try to kiss me and for that I am grateful. What I want right now is my Byakuya back. What I need is for Byakuya to make the hurt stop.

He decides to walk me back to my room while we talk about his work and mine alternatively. It’s a long walk and it relaxes me.

We are holding hands and laughing lightly as a semblance of normalcy returns to me until when we turn the corner to division six’s main entrance. Right there at the gate stands Kuchiki fucking Byakuya. He's standing and talking to Komamura Taicho and Ukitake Taicho.

My head feels light. My heart warms and dances happily at his sight, my feet want to carry me to him, my heart is pounding in my chest with joy. In that moment I realize it’s a hopeless situation. I'm always going to be in love with him for the rest of my life.

I want to go to him, I want to be in his arms at once.

“Be strong Renji.” Kira whispers beside me, bringing me back to reality.

This is the man who hurt me- is still hurting me. He's choking the life out of me slowly but surely. The slow aching burn in the middle of my chest begins again. Breathing has become so hard. I love this man, but I also hate him.

As though he feels my eyes on him, he looks up and sees me staring at him. My heart skips a beat and the fear rushes back in. A shadow passes quickly over his face and then he's cold look is back on. He looks away and pretends he didn’t see me instead focusing on what Ukitake is saying to him.

He's not remorseful. I feel like I'm dying.

Kira and I walk past them, and we greet. They all nod their reception, we are almost through the gates when his cold voice halts me in my tracks.

“Abarai fukutaicho, I don’t believe I gave you leave for a mission.”

I see the quick reaction of questions in Ukitake Taicho’s eyes, I had not told him I was free to go on a mission. He says nothing though, he wants to see my reaction. I also see he doesn’t quite agree with Kuchiki-Taicho addressing the issue now.

I want to give a nasty retort, instead I say sounding fucked up and subdued, “I'm sorry Kuchiki-Taicho, I would accept whatever punishment you decide to give me.”

“I expect you to return to your duties at once.” He ordered.

“Thank you Kuchiki-Taicho.”

Kira grips my hand and leads me away. I feel him just bursting beside me, trying not to say something disrespectful to Kuchiki-Taicho. He's a loyal friend. I feel like crying again.

***

In the following weeks to come, the tension between Kuchiki-Taicho and me slowly increases and has become noticeable. The division is split in two. A faction that supports Kuchiki-Taicho although not knowing the cause of the tension, while the other faction wholeheartedly supports me. All they know is that Kuchiki-Taicho is responsible for how miserable I have become. This is altogether not good for the division.

My self-appointed personal assistant, Rikichi, does all he can to ease the tension between myself and Kuchiki-Taicho. He runs interference between us both as best as he can.

It’s been difficult, but I put my mind to it and continue to serve Kuchiki-Taicho as I did before.

Except now, there are no jokes between us, secret or open jokes. We no longer leave the connecting door between our offices open throughout work hours. There is no easy banter or silent flirtations.

There is just space, cold open space.

I am not handling the forced separation well at all. I ache all day. I ache at night. I ache in my head, I ache between my eyes. My chest constantly hurts from the effort alone to breathe, I'm in pain, a never-ending pain.

Worst of all, I ache between my legs at night. I wake up reaching beside me in the dark, searching for the warmth that should be there. The warmth I want so bad.

My sanity aches, my tears ache- yes, I'm crying more frequently when I'm alone in my room at night. My pillow protests from the constant crushing. My division members ache. My training sessions and the morning drills are not what they used to be. I'm unfocused and the thrusts and parries with my soul reaper most times during practice have become weak.

My subordinates don’t know how to help me, neither do my friends. Initially they avoided me but now they take turns in taking me out. Ikkaku introduced me to the latest alcohol fad of the eleventh division- spirit whiskey.

It’s some new concoction that can knock out the strongest of drinker’s with just a few glasses. It has become my latest religion. I drink spirit whiskey to get drunk and knocked out. I do it to get away from the ever-present pain of losing my only treasure and it’s the only way I get to sleep these days as more weeks pass without any hope in sight.

Does Kuchiki-Taicho notice what a drunkard his fukutaicho has become? No way. He's fine. He's taking the break up in stride. He does his work as usual, he's still as beautiful as ever. Occasionally he receives guests in his office, people who have come to congratulate him on his impending nuptials.

Some come with gifts to aid in the wedding preparation which is in full swing. Rikichi, bless his soul reaper, has taken to sorting out these gifts. He may be the only person in all of division six who can guess the true extent of my relationship with Kuchiki-Taicho and the true cause of my recent behavior.

These days Kuchiki-Taicho and I barely talk. I can’t even look at him when he talks to me. It hurts just to look. It hurts if I don’t look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its a short chapter, things pick up soon.  
thanks for reading, kudos and comments.


	4. Change is imminent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renji's seams begin to unravel

As the wedding date gets set and announced, I get more restless. The feeling of impending doom gets worse. I can barely focus on anything. Kuchiki-Taicho no longer lets me go on any mission. I've been denied a mission pass on several occasions now. I'm beyond convinced he's punishing me extra. If I don’t catch a break soon, I’d be headed for a straight jacket.

I wake up one night. I couldn’t have more than a glass of alcohol that evening, so I'm not drunk. I can’t go to sleep either, my cock is hard- painfully hard. It’s been close to four months now. I let my palm curl around my cock and I begin to stroke.

After minutes of frustration, unable to come, I decide to shower. A cold shower which does nothing for me. As the water runs, I take myself in hand and stroke furiously. I need to come.

It’s moments like this over the past few months, I truly regret not letting Shinji or Ichigo fuck me. I crave Kuchiki-Taicho’s tongue on my cock, the press of his fingers as he grabs my butt and sucks me with hard twisting suction.

I miss the firm grip of his hand around my throat squeezing as he fucks me into oblivion. It’s his face I see when I close my eyes and his name I gasp out as I feel my release rise quickly. Shame washes over me interrupting my orgasm. I want him, and I want him now.

I don’t let myself give it much thought before I'm dressed up and out of the room. It takes me no time to end up in the Sakura gardens outside Kuchiki-Taicho’s rooms. I know his secret guards see me, but they don’t stop me. I wonder why. Has he forgotten to tell them to throw me out on sight?

A mixture of dread and fear try to choke me as I return to the scene of my past humiliation. I'm driven by a need far greater than all the fear in the world. I stand at his door before I can persuade myself to turn around and retreat.

I pause at the door. The memories flood right back in as I lift my hands to the door. The shame, the humiliation of his treatment, his denial of who I was to him. How he shoved me out repeatedly, that moment he chose, and he didn’t choose me.

I freeze. To go in or not, I know these sliding doors into his rooms are never locked. Kuchiki-Taicho doesn’t need to stay behind locked doors to be safe. My hands are shaking violently, I can see them clearly in the nightlight.

I am hesitant. I ache. I want. I want deeply. I decide.

The doors slide open by themselves while I stand in shock as they reveal Kuchiki-Taicho. Although his pale skin glows in the night light, I can see changes. He looks tired and worn out. With his dark hair loose and hanging down like a silk curtain, he's still as beautiful as I remember up close. I wonder why he's still awake.

“Why are you still awake Kuchiki-Taicho? It’s very late.” I croak in attempt to excuse my appearance at his door.

“Abarai fukutaicho,” He says in a tired low voice “Yes, it’s very late, too late to be walking the streets.”

I throw myself at him and his arms open to me and go around me, wrapping me tightly.

“Kuchiki-Taicho.” I groan, feeling the ache and the pain of the past weeks melt away magically.

I promise, it wasn’t me who moved first but the next thing I knew was that our lips were fused. It was hot, desperate and painfully pleasant. His tongue thrust into my mouth quickly again and again as we kissed hungrily.

My hands are in his hair tugging, then his face stroking and cupping, my fingers struggling to be part of the kiss, touching his lips while it slanted to the left then the right over mine. His sexy body rammed hard against mine as we stumble around.

His hands are on my body, stroking, gripping this, gripping that. Ripping my night shirt off my back and finally grabbing my butt, lifting me off the ground. My legs curl around his waist, pressing in trying to get closer and closer.

He stumbles under my weight towards his bed and we crash into the bed, now kissing sloppily, tearing off imprisoning clothing. Jerking in his arms, I feel his hips moving hard, pressing that hard piece of flesh between his thighs against me.

Words are unnecessary and so words are left unspoken. We are not supposed to remind each other we are feuding. Right now, it’s just need unfulfilled. I still feel the pain and the shame, but I will deal with that after he has given me what I need.

I watch him kneel on the bed and hastily tear off his night shirt and the loose pants he was wearing. He is naked now and looking at me like I'm air and he's a drowning man.

“Look at me Renji.” He commands.

I see him. I see what I want to see, I see what he wants me to see. I see him grasp his swollen member and give it short hard strokes. I see his need. As I watch him, I shimmy out of my trousers, I'm naked underneath. He gasps slightly at the sight of my wet weeping hard flesh.

I need him to see what he does to me. That’s all there is to tonight. Need. For as long as I've been his fukutaicho, we have needed each other. Not just sexually, but also in other ways I'm only beginning to see since the start of this feud.

My existence, my life, my thoughts, my joy- everything is tied to this one man. I see it in panoramic view. The problem is not just that I'm in love with him or he with me; and he still is. I see it in his every movement tonight.

The problem is that I start where he ends, and I am where he begins. We have been one person for far longer than I cared to realize before tonight. I cannot begin to imagine what life outside him looks like. This is the reason I've been so fucked up in the last few months.

He lowers himself to me now that I am completely naked, and our lips meet hungrily again. The sloppy exchange of body fluids deepens, the slide of sweat sheened skin upon skin. His fingers worship my body as his lips worship my face.

His shaky fingers slide between my legs which I throw open to let him access my tight hole. I am hard and heavy. I feel them breach me and I go into a hungered frenzy driving my ass hard unto those fingers repeatedly. I'm like a bitch in heat.

My eyes open to see him carefully watching me now, his eyes darkened by lust, his free hand touching my pecs, rubbing over my chest and tattoos. Tattoos he has always loved. His lips predictably follow his hand, kissing and licking my chest, tracing my tattoos, flicking my nipples just the way I like it.

I'm a mass of need in his arms, I can hear the weak and delicious sounds of surrender escaping my lips uncensored. He is now sucking and biting my nipples while pressing a finger against my prostate, I'm wild now, I'm close to begging him to fuck me.

“Renji.” He moans against my skin. He's overcome with desire. He pulls his fingers out of my stretched hole and shoves them into his mouth and sucks them as he pushes me into his bed and positions himself between my open legs.

His hand comes out of his lips and grasps my cock and strokes quickly. This time I hear myself beg. Then he's gripping his hardness and leading it to my stretched hole. He penetrates me slowly as his body shakes with the effort of trying to control his speed.

I know he just wants to ram it home, but he can tell I've not been touched in a while. He's panting hard, I'm out of breath as I stretch to take him slowly. The burn is hot. It’s what I need. I need to feel this long after he's no longer in me.

“Kuchiki-Taicho.” I moan. I can’t believe I'm back in his bed, lying beneath him as he sinks into me. After all the hurt, after the pain and cold nights, here we are again, as we have always been. And it feels like I never left. His hips stutter and then I feel his balls press against my butt. He's in fully.

“Kuchiki…” I begin to call again. I want to wake myself up, if this is a dream.

“Byakuya, Renji, its Byakuya for tonight.” He corrects.

I throw my arms around his waist and help him move. We move hungrily, I'm opening more and more for him. I'm sighing with much sought after pleasure. Then the warmth of his body covers mine and I wrap my arms around his neck.

He tucks his head into my neck and his lips rest against my left ear. I hear his breath catching and releasing as he begins to ride me roughly. The pace set is fast and hungry.

“Oh! gods! Renji.” He moans my name into my ear in a desperate whisper, his arms slip around me and hold me tighter. I take him easier as he's riding harder and harder, his body rubbing against my leaking cock as he strikes that spot inside me in quick hard strokes.

My fluids are mixing with the sweat and making our bodies slippery. I can’t help thinking I'm marking him. My cock is deliciously trapped between us and I'm riding a wave rising from inside my ass, rushing to my cock.

“Kami!” he whines again as my hips begin to move on their own and I fuck back at him. We are in a punishing rhythm now. The slap of our bodies meeting getting frenzied and loud.

“Byakuya.” I moan his name, driven half-crazy by his movement and desperation

I want him to lose his mind in me. I want him to see what he'd be missing when he lets me go. I want him to yell out in pleasure. I want his tightly reined control to break. I want his throat hoarse from repeating my name_. _

_‘I want…’ _slap… slap slap slap_. _The sound of skin on skin loud.

_‘It’s not enough…’ _slap slap slap…

_‘Jeez not nearly enough….’ _slap slap slap slap

Gasp… hard thrust… dragged out moan… painful grip on his shoulder….

Teeth sunk into his neck, I bite down hard marking him.

“Fuck Renji!” he cries out in broken abandon. His hips gear into wild uncontrolled thrusts. I feel him stretch me open even more. It’s the swelling of his cock right before he comes. He's going to come inside me, I know it.

He grips my left leg and shoves it in the air, he kneels swiftly, driving deep inside me as close as possible, he lets go of control and slams in….one, two three…he lets out a strangled sound and pounds in again striking my prostate repeatedly and I'm coming equally as hard as he is.

My cock is twitching against my stomach and shoots out rope after rope of thick white come. My sight goes temporarily black, tension flooding out of my system, burning fire flowing through my veins.

Both of us are wheezing, gasping for air. His fingers digging groves into my skin. Confusion following the return of my senses. It has never felt this good before, but it has never felt so unsatisfying.

I feel boneless. He falls unto his back and slips out of me with a wet sound. He pulls me into a spoon cuddle. I'm the little spoon. He doesn’t fall asleep as he would’ve done in the past. Instead, he's trailing kisses over the back of my neck. Licking my skin hungrily, rubbing his naked legs over mine.

With a start I realize that he missed me, and this was his way of satiating his hunger, but for me, it was no longer enough.

This want, this consuming fire, this passionate love making, this beautiful satisfaction- it was not enough. He had filled me up good- really good. So why did I feel so empty? Why do I want to hear those words that would make all the difference in the world?

_“You belong to me Renji. You're mine.”_

That was all I wanted.

His kisses have left my neck and trailed down to my ears, then to cover the corner of my mouth in brief presses, then all over my face. Kuchiki-Taicho is feeling amorous. This is one of those rare moments of his.

I suddenly see it too. He feels it too. I'm no longer enough for him and he's beginning to realize it. He flips me unto my stomach and mounts me from behind. His lips to my ear, he whispers, “I want you again.”

I feel his hardness pressing into my swollen pucker before I'm even ready. He sinks in deep and begins to thrust in wildly.

I grunt in surprise at my unwillingness. I came, here didn’t I. I wanted this didn’t I? As he strokes deeper and deeper, I feel shame and disgust rise in my throat. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to be here.

I begin to struggle to get out from beneath him, he doesn’t let up, he doesn’t stop. Maybe he thinks I'm just responding to him. And it doesn’t take long before I begin to when he finds my sweet spot and pounds into it.

I forget my reservations. Kuchiki-Taicho always knew how to make me putty in his hands. The disgust at my shamelessness knows no bounds. Still I take what he gives me with pleasure.

When I come on the sheets beneath me helplessly, tightening around his invading member, he grips the sheets tight, lowers his lips to my ear again as he begins to let go of himself.

“I fucking love you Renji.” He confesses right before that desperate sound is torn out of his throat as he comes equally helpless, pouring himself in me.

He pulls out sharply this time and collapses on his back. I lie prone where he left me. His come leaking out of my used ass. His eyes are closed as I stare at him struggle to regain his breath. Reality dawning on us once again.

Now that the senses had been returned, we observed a long stretch of silence. He opens his eyes and in his peripheral vision, he sees me staring at him. He takes a deep breath and says.

“Get out.”

I don’t protest.

I get up, quickly get dressed and leave.


	5. Let me live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renji makes new decisions.

The next day is business as usual. He's ignoring me. He's calm and collected, as he always is. It makes me wonder if he wasn’t the one who opened his arms to me last night.

Wasn’t it he who moved to kiss me first? Who held me tightly, who missed me, who fucked me so hard and so good…who told me he loved me?

That feeling of desperation is back and I'm drowning in it. I'm desperate for some form of acknowledgment now. The pain in the middle of my chest is also back. It hurts really bad.

I want him to act like the Byakuya I know, the one I was with before last night. The one who would look serious one minute and the next would playfully pin me to the wall just to steal a kiss in the middle of a work day.

The worst feeling by far is how much I want his body. I had a taste of him last night and I'm like a man addicted again to a potent drug. I'm like a starving man. Last night was a bit too much for me and this morning I'm trembling a bit from my withdrawal symptoms.

I know I had wanted him but in retrospect, I hadn’t wanted him under the circumstances of the last few weeks. And last night. I just couldn’t control my physical need for him, I couldn’t control how much I needed what he gave me last night. And after he took what I had offered him, I realized my emotional needs were completely dissatisfied.

I want him to hold me tenderly again. I want us to have tea together in the Sakura gardens. To sit under the moonlight and watch koi swim lazily around talking about bakudo softly. I want to hold hands with him silently once more while he pretends he doesn’t like my touch.

I want to soothe his ire when someone annoys him, and he comes to me to vent. I want…Kami...I want to belong to him again, just as he belonged to me. I want him to get rid of that bitch and come back to me.

I look up from the feeling of being watched. I notice the doors between our offices is open. Drats! he caught me spacing out. I’d been shutting it of late. Today out of habit, it stands open and his eyes are on me. He's staring at me with a hunger in them.

It’s how I always knew when he needed me during work hours. When it happened in the past, I’d rush to his side and kiss him thoroughly. Sometimes I’d do a slow strip tease at my desk for him to watch before going to him.

_P.S: that always got my hole a thorough pounding._

Other times I’d fall to my knees and crawl slowly to him, he'd let me underneath his desk where I’d proceed to suck him off.

Today, I get up and approach the door but before I can walk to him, I see flowers tied in a bouquet on the shelf behind him, that were not there this morning when I came in.

Perhaps It’s a gift for his wedding, perhaps someone sending congratulations on his engagement. The wedding is still on dammit! One night of passionate loss of self-control and good sense does not change anything.

I reach for the doors handle and pull it shut quietly. I can see the disappointment in his eyes just before the door closes completely. I make my decision, I'm not Kuchiki-Taicho’s boyfriend and I won’t be his whore.

It was hard for me to stay with him these last few weeks and hard for me to stay away from him. I decide as I collapse back into my seat, I won’t be staying alone anymore.

Before moving to the sixth division to occupy the rooms allocated to its fukutaicho, I had shared a room with Kira on fifth division grounds. When I moved out to the eleventh, Kira had also moved to the fourth division, but we didn’t have the heart to give the room away. It held too many fond memories for us.

Hisagi stays there now, in Kira’s room to get away from the pressures of his squad. I send him a hell butterfly informing him I’d be passing the night there. I'm still working when his reply comes, at least I'm trying to. He's got no problem with my return.

I still attempt to push through my worsening emotions from last night when I sense a different reiatsu within Kuchiki-Taicho’s office. Over time, I've trained myself to monitor the coming and going of different spirit pressures to ensure his safety even when that door was closed.

Today this spirit pressure is new, it is different yet similar. With a jolt I realize it is hers. The woman called Karini Yuki was in his office, alone with him.

I stop all forms of pretense of work. What is she doing here? Nobody comes uninvited and I would know, I check the guests list each morning before I settle in. She was not on the list. And why would Byakuya invite her without putting her name on the list.

Kuchiki-Taicho had been the one to initiate the creation of that list. It was to curb the excesses of friends of mine visiting me during work hours, but he also had followed the list rigidly since its creation.

What makes it hurt the more is that he does this the day after a passionate night with me. What are they doing in his office? Did he kiss her when she arrived? Is he kissing her or touching her right now? I cannot bear the thought. I question the wisdom in shutting that door earlier.

Anger and confusion slam through my mind. My body is visibly shaking now. I can’t work like this. How dare he? Up until now, this was the place that was ours that she hadn’t desecrated with her presence. Who knew I was holding unto that.

I hear her giggle through the door. I don’t wait for the torture. I run out of my office. I, lieutenant Abarai, I am… I feel sad, humiliated and terrified.

***

When the door to the apartment opens with Hisagi and Ichigo walking in, I almost roll my eyes in frustration. Why can’t I be allowed to grieve in peace? They realize I'm there and as I suspected, Hisagi immediately has that look of concern on his face. Ichigo just frowns a bit.

Hisagi rushes to me saying, “Renji are you okay? I thought the butterfly meant you’d be around later. Ichigo was staying in your room but only just until he goes back to Karakura town. Don’t worry we will move his things out now.”

“No worries Hisagi sempai, Ichigo can stay with me. After all, we stay at his room when we go to Karakura town don’t we Ichigo?” I quickly deter his actions.

What sort of friend would I be if I sent Ichigo out of my own room when he was here but temporarily? To show I didn’t mind, I grabbed Ichigo's arm and tugged him into my room, shutting the door behind us with Hisagi on the other side.

“Renji I really don’t want to be an inconvenience.” He tried to protest but I would have none of it.

Waving away his concerns, I asked, “What are you doing in the Sereitei? How come I didn’t know you were around?”

He looked at me suspiciously before saying, “I don’t think you are aware of much these days.”

“What does that mean?”

“With Byakuya's upcoming nuptials.” He jumped at it in his usual frank way.

“Yes, what about it?” I asked impatiently.

“Rumor has it that you're not your usual self.”

“Rumor, what rumor? And since when do you go about listening to rumors?”

Ichigo sat on my bed and reclined his back, however his eyes never left my face, in his intense way he said

“Renji, Byakuya was your lover, wasn’t he? I know you don’t talk about what's going on between you both but from what I gathered, I don’t think he's doing this on purpose. Rumor has it that he was ordered to be married by the Kuchiki clan council of elders. You have to admit it’s kind of unheard of for a clan’s head to be single or with another man.”

“I don’t understand. Be with another man? The council you say, are you implying that Kuchiki-Taicho is being forced to marry this woman? You don’t get it. I saw him with her. I saw them together, alone and half naked together in his room.”

Even though I'm trying to rationally let this go, a mix of hope and trepidation rise swiftly in my chest. If Kuchiki-Taicho is being forced, then I won’t feel so broken in the end.

“I'm sorry I didn’t know, but why does it bother you Renji? You are a man, she's a woman. Surely you considered that after a few hundred years together, Byakuya would get over the death of his wife Hisana and be married again.”

When he put it that way it sounded so logical; Why hadn’t I given it some consideration before now?

_‘Well that’s because you're a fool’_

The images and memories of the quarrel in his room and his tossing me out began to float in my head all over again. They torture me. I must grind my teeth together to keep from breaking into tears. They are closely followed by other memories.

Byakuya's kisses, his light touches, his hard touches, his laughter, smiling when we have argued about something and he wins, looking surprised when I do something uncharacteristic, tea under the sakura trees.

His hot breath against my neck, wet tongue tracing the tattoo that points to my right nipple. Every memory is in high definition in my mind. Breath shudders out of my lungs. I am hopelessly in love with Kuchiki Byakuya.

“Ichigo,” I began to explain my voice low and ominous. “Kuchiki-Taicho is my world, he's my life. I am in love with him as much as I love him. There’s no coming out of it. I can’t just stand aside and not get hurt when he chooses another.”

“We all know what you're going through and it hurts because we can’t help you with this one. So, we’d rather not bother you with unnecessary things like my arrival in the Sereitei.” Ichigo said softly.

I turned to him with a smile. It was the first time I felt the semblance of a smile in weeks. I sat beside him before going to him. Wrapping my arms around him, I let myself receive comfort from him when he wrapped his arms around me.

We stayed that way for a while before he pressed his lips to my temple. I remembered at once the hot press of his lips against mine. That was the moment I decided to discover for myself, the novelty of fucking the substitute Shinigami-Kurosaki Ichigo.

***

Feeling more composed than when I left earlier, I returned to my office. I had to clear my desk out for the day. I walked into my office and I could still smell Karini's perfume in the air. I felt a wave of disgust mixed with pain, but I had a calm beneath. I was beginning to believe everything will turn out fine.

No sooner had I sat in my chair before the I heard the bell ring, indicating Byakuya's summons. It had been too long since he had need to use the bell to get my attention and its sound makes me jump a bit.

I was on my feet in a conditioned response to the bell, just like a dog. I halted in my tracks outside his door at my thought. I was disgusted with myself now. Just one bell sound and I'm rushing to Kuchiki-Taicho's side like his ever-faithful puppy. I feel humiliation wash over me again.

“Renji come in.” He gives me permission to enter his office. Doesn’t he see how humiliating this all is for me? I was not waiting at his door for permission dammit! Its too humiliating being me right now. I push the door and go in.

“Where did you go to?” He asks softly without preamble and without looking up at me. Even though I don’t want to tell him, I do.

“I took a few minutes off to see Ichigo. He's staying with me at my apartment.”

“Here in the sixth? I don’t recall feeling his unrestrained spirit pressure today. Plus following his arrival, I could’ve sworn he was scheduled to stay with someone else.”

So, he knew Ichigo was in the Sereitei.

“No Taicho, we would be together at my other apartment on division five grounds. It’s not too far from here neither is it too close.” I said.

He finally looks up at me with surprise written on his features. “You have another apartment in division five?”

“Yes, I do Taicho.” I do not intend to explain further.

“Huh! I didn’t know that.” He says, obviously beginning to understand something.

I was with him, had been with him and he still didn’t know me well. He had never had the time or perhaps never took time out to do so. I'm glad because now he's beginning to see I have a life outside him. Why is that thought suddenly so important?

“There’s still a lot about me you don’t know Taicho.” I added quietly.

For a moment, he had this sad and panicked look on his face, but it was ever so brief. He then asks me a question I did not expect.

“And you are staying in the same room with Ichigo?”

“Yes, I will.”

It’s clear now to me that I wasn’t imagining things. I'm a part of the reason Byakuya does not like Ichigo much. It seems to be an old beef from first meeting. Ichigo isn’t supposed to be a threat to Byakuya but he comes off as a rival sometimes.

A large part of their rivalry is because Ichigo has got all the characteristics and more of what makes Byakuya a great man.

Byakuya is a nobleman. Ichigo is a descendant of the noble house of Shiba.

Byakuya is powerful. Well, we all know Ichigo is twice as powerful.

Byakuya is pretty. Ichigo is well …handsome in a rough way

Byakuya is rich. Ichigo isn’t but give him time.

Byakuya has me- had me. Ichigo has been one of my best friends for a while now. And Byakuya has always hated the idea of me and Ichigo as friends. I always wondered why but now I see he was just jealous.

It’s a jealousy that he can’t keep out of his voice now that in the wake of his treachery, Ichigo is in the Sereitei and would be with me whenever I was not in the office. I see his mind working frantically. He must be imagining what Ichigo and I get up to when alone.

I do not feel sorry for him or the urge to soothe his jealousy. Usually I’d try to reassure him that there was nothing between me and Ichigo. That was before I knew Ichigo was attracted to me. That was before we kissed, that was before Byakuya gave me away.

“What is it you wanted Taicho?” I ask innocently.

His face twitches, I can tell he wants to say something about Ichigo. He probably wants to forbid me from staying with him. That’s not going to happen. Kuchiki-Taicho has lost his right to do that and he knows it.

“I …” He seems lost for words, which is a first; ok maybe a second occurrence for him.

The first time he had been lost for words was still burned in my retinas. It was the first time I had made love to him. It was outside, in the Sakura gardens, bent over his bench in broad daylight. I had been forceful, and he couldn’t stop me. Didn’t want to stop me.

Neither could the Kuchiki servants that were probably peeking at us from their hiding posts. I’d pounded desperate moans out of him. He was too far gone in his pleasure to say a word afterwards, he just swooned in my arms delicately.

Today he's just staring at me. “I want...” he begins again. Halts as though he realized he couldn’t ask me for whatever it was, then he asks anyway. “I want you to get something from my room. It’s a confidential file locked in my safe box. Only you know how to open it besides me.”

I know the box he's talking about. I also know why he doesn’t want to open it himself. He doesn’t want the prick of the collection needle. He could wield swords all over the place but one tiny needle and he'd run fast. To open it, one had to give up at least a drop of blood to the needle. I always wondered why he didn’t just get rid of it.

I remember the night he showed me the lovely creation. We were working and eating in his room, when I needed a special folder. He brings out this black glowy box thing that seemed to have been made of hair and reiatsu.

He explained it had been woven from generations of Kuchiki hair, usually the hair from the head of the clan.

As the 28th clan head, he'd inherited it and had added a lock of his hair to the weaving. Without preamble, he also informed me I was going to give him a lock of my hair.

He explained that he didn’t want to have to always be the one to retrieve things for me. It sounded fair enough.

Standing now in his office, I thought about the Kuchiki hair box, the needle that would collect my blood. It was a ritual so personal to the lord of clan Kuchiki. So, it seems there are still some boundaries only I can cross with him.

I rush to his rooms quickly, I don’t bother passing the regular entrances. I go to his room and only then do I realize I don’t remember where he put it and I had not asked.

I look for it under the bed. It is not there. I search his room, the dresser, and the wardrobe. Hanging in his wardrobe are his clothes, neatly arranged according to style. Some others are folded neatly. I can tell a pretty story about Byakuya when he was wearing every piece of clothing in this wardrobe.

It was either he was wearing it when he flirted, or got angry, passed a ridiculous rule, or I took it off with my teeth or he ripped it off his shoulder’s in haste… I'm getting carried away. The box is not there either.

The hell butterfly flaps its wings lazily as it flew towards me. Kuchiki-Taicho knows me too well. I crack a small smile as I let it perch on my finger. The message is brief.

**“The box is stashed behind the headrest.” **

I remember now, there was a hollow compartment at the head of Byakuya's bed. I open it and the box lies there. The box is mainly black, of course it would be, most Kuchiki's are raven haired. The woven hair is so pretty but it’s made prettier by the red streak that now runs across one of its edges.

I feel a bout of pride in me rise. It’s unreal but my hair, in all its crimson glory is intertwined with Kuchiki noble hair on this magnificent work of art.

I lift it to the dresser and brace myself before I place my finger on the tiny tube that houses the pin to the lock mechanism and press down before I can change my mind. The pin prick is reality injecting. I take the file out, shut it and return it to the headrest.

I'm about to leave when I see the cardboard boxes resting close to the door. I am drawn to them. I know I shouldn’t but still I open them. _‘Just a peek’_ I think to myself.

It’s an expensive kimono with a note tied to it.

_The ornaments should be ready soonest. Love Karini Yuki._

My heart skips a beat. Two beats. It’s his wedding robe. There’s a receipt attached to the note. It was from Fujiyama’s weaving store. It detailed many purchases all recently ordered and for a lady.

My heart breaks again, I feel the tears well up quickly, but I fight them back. I can’t believe he took her to ‘our’ shop. It was where he took me to get fitted for my uniform, and the robes I wore on his birthdays and on my birthdays- every year. I guess this year I won’t be getting a new robe.

I had been the one who took him there from the first moment, and that was what hurt so bad.

It had been when getting my very first uniform as his fukutaicho. He'd said it was his way of welcoming me to the division. He had said I could choose anywhere I wanted it and at whatever cost I was to not worry about anything, so I took him to Fujiyama’s, my dream tailor of whom before Byakuya, I could never afford his creations of art.

I shunpo back too quickly, blinking back the tears. I hand him the folder. He sees my eyes red. The bastard knows something is wrong. He knows I'm holding back the waterworks.

“Renji your eyes are red.” he says.

“I have a one-sided headache Taicho.” I try to give him a small smile. It dangerously looks like I'm about to start bawling.

He just stares at me as I beat a hasty retreat to my office. The bastard, he set me up. He wanted me to see the clothing. Why else would it be sitting in the corner close to the door.

I clear my desk fast and reschedule almost everything else. With Zabimaru on my hip, I'm out of there like a scalded cat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again short chapter  
do forgive late posts  
thank you for kudos comments and bookmarks.


	6. Cling to your pride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lapses in better judgement are bound to occur

When I arrived at my home, Ichigo was sitting on the sofa in my room. He's made himself at home and I like the picture it creates. The light streaming in through the window behind him, lit his orange hair on fire. I join him on the sofa.

He sits upright smiling. He's happy to see me and immediately starts telling me about this recent Sereitei visit and how he's been enjoying sparring at the eleventh division. He's not giving me concerned looks or acting like I'm about to break down. I promptly forget the pain that drove me home early.

The more I look at him and the more I listen attentively is the more he talks, gesticulates and flirts. His hands touching me lightly, a gentle push here and there, a demonstration on how to hold a slender katana… the more I want to fall into his arms and let him ravish me.

I get up and recline on my bed.

Now he's talking about training with Urahara and Tessai in comparison to the eleventh. I can’t hear a word he says. I'm watching his lips.

The way he's eyeballing me is unmistakable. When I stretch my legs from underneath me, his eyes follow them. When I cock my head to the right, he gesticulates faster. When my hands absently stroke my neck unconsciously tracing my tattoos, he breathes heavier and speaks faster.

I make my choice. I choose to do something about this crazily sexy substitute Shinigami in my room.

“Ichigo, when are you going to fuck me? Today?” My question interrupts him mid speech.

He has a look of shock on his face, “Are you teasing me Renji or are you serious?” he finally finds his voice.

My answer- I stand and slowly untie my sash, taking off my clothes until I'm completely naked. My left-hand cups my swollen jewels, my right hand begins to stroke my stiffening rod. I'm probably still sore from being with Kuchiki-Taicho last night but still I'm hardening quicker than ever before.

It’s the way he's looking at me. He's hungry for me. It takes him about a minute of watching to spring up and toss off his clothes. He walks to me and wraps his arms around me then slowly lowers me to the bed, lying on my back, he crawls over my body, his eyes searching my face for a hint of hesitation.

“Renji are you sure you want this?”

I don’t really want to put pressure on him but all I can think of right now is how hot he is. I run my fingers slowly over his chest, his tiny nipples harden beneath my touch. His abs are packed, he's all lean muscle. There’s a trail of hair that runs below his navel and sprinkles orange sunlight over his jutting erection which is leaking and dripping fluid unto my stomach.

He wants me. The thought comes like a revelation. He must've wanted me even while we were talking. I look up into his uncertain eyes and he asks again.

“Is this real Renji? Say something, say you want this as much as I do.”

I lift my palm to cup his face and he follows when I draw him down towards me. His lips touch mine tentatively until I push my tongue against his lips and stroke, licking my way gently into his mouth. Once my tongue breaches his teeth and touches his tongue, its like striking a match.

His body drops on mine heavily and crushes me, his arms go around me again and pull me into him hard. Crushed together, his tongue dances roughly into my open mouth, his breath forcing its way into my lungs.

We turn on our sides and his legs wrap around me like a squid, I'm clasped all round, I'm burning with a sudden fire as he begins to consume me, and I snap like a twig in his arms.

His lips against mine are sucking this way, grasping that way, licking and stroking, melting into me as I'm melting into him. Its twice as sweet because I'm responding in ways I’d forgotten I could. My palms can’t stay still, I'm consumed by the desperate feeling that I must find a way to hold him to me lest he falls away, pulls back or disappears.

I'm not sure who is making those grunting sounds of hunger; wait a minute, it’s me. He's making some weird movement with his hips, teasing my heavily inflamed member as he grinds on me. I'm so turned on right now, I'm not even sure how we got here.

When his lips leave mine suddenly, I'm gasping for air, the cool air is splitting my lungs in a rush and I must tip back my floating head for easy breathing. I'm fucking high from kissing Ichigo and it’s crazy.

As I bare my neck in search for air, he descends on it, kissing and biting, chewing and licking then more kisses. His hands run over my body in a flurry. I don’t understand what is happening to me but I'm falling and at the same time, I'm lying down.

I cling to him desperately as that nagging hip movement keeps a constant pressure on my swollen member. _‘Oh fuck!’_ I groan in hot desperation, my body shivering and getting tense. He's dry humping me to completion I realize with a start.

Where did Ichigo learn how to fuck a guy? It’s obvious he's been with another man before now. Who is it? I thought I was his only male wet dream. A stab of jealousy cuts through me mixed with an unexpected burning desire to possess him. I'm burning up quicker than I expect. I can feel from his hand and body movements his own lust.

I can’t help myself, he's making me feel things I had not felt in a while. I moan like a whore getting fucked by an experienced older man. When his long fingers grab my butt and begin to squeeze and release while lifting me to his grinding thrusts, I know I'm fucked.

He sets a rhythm that drives me mad. “Do you like it Renji?” he pants.

“Yes.” I moan

“You're sure you like it?”

“Yes.”

He begins to kiss my face, my cheeks my eyes, hot breath on my ears, then a wet tongue licks its way into my ear letting me hear the soft sounds of desire in his throat. I bucked, I wriggled, I clawed at his back as he gripped my hips too, letting out a keen moan of pleasure.

He's destroying me, he's making me his slave. I want to beg for something, I need release.

His hips are moving against mine, grinding our hard, wet cocks together now, his hands back to caressing and squeezing my butt. I didn’t even know I liked my butt cheeks played with in the sack. I'm so hot, flames are crawling over my skin, I want to give in to him.

“I can’t believe we've not done this before now.” I gasp out in disbelief the thought that has filled my head.

“Hell yeah,” he pants against my ear “wait till you're feeling me inside you, pounding your tight pussy.”

A ripple of shock at his filthy mouth runs through me. What did he just call … my pussy? As though he could tell I'm enjoying his filthy mouth, he whispers hotly with an extra hard grind

“You’d take me so well Renji, you’d enjoy my hard dick in your tight boypussy I promise.”

His wet tongue dips again into my ear, I shudder, I raise into him and give him what he wants. Space to slide his finger in between my cheeks to search for my hole, slowly dipping and retrieving like a drill. How, what, when? It breaches with a sudden thrust.

I gasp opening my mouth and his lips are heavily descending back on mine, his tongue filling my mouth and silencing my noises. As he thrusts in further, I feel like yelling but his hips grind unto my wet cock and a buzz of electrifying pleasure zings through my body.

He had found the spot and he strokes around in my pussy- wait a minute- my what…? I can’t think properly. He's occasionally using his other hand to stroke himself quickly.

He's above me now watching me with concentrated lust as he finger fucks me. One finger is obviously not enough. His cloudy eyes piercing my writhing form, he whispers again

“Do you like it Renji?” He asks as though unsure of himself.

His finger swirling around, driving me nuts, I feel my balls contracting and tightening. My cock is so hard its throbbing and wetting my abs and our combined fluids were running down to my thighs, between my legs. I'm not even sure when he flipped us.

I give up. I'm obviously not in control of this lusty session. He's manipulating my body as he wants, and I can’t control my responses and the thought that Ichigo is about to fuck me silly is making it all worse.

When he uncurls over me to kneel and reach into my bedside drawer for a plastic bottle I know I didn’t own, I realize Ichigo was always two steps ahead of me. He had known he was going to fuck me this time. I'm not sure if I should consider that a good thing or a bad thing.

The pink dusky head of his cock is shiny and wet as he strokes the lubricant all over his length. He returns, and I spread my legs for him automatically. He gives a small smile and lifts my legs to his shoulders, tightening me up further.

Now I'm truly going to be fucked like a bitch but there’s a look in Ichigo's eyes that makes my reservations fall away. It’s a tender look. Its not lust anymore. I realize with a start that he's in love with me.

Since when had this happened? I can’t have that now, not when I'm dealing with my feeling’s for Byakuya. I don’t have the chance to stop him before hard cock is filling me up roughly. He strikes my prostate with that one thrust and its unbelievable.

My brain resets itself, I can’t think except for that full fatness taking me to new heights of highness I’d never reached before.

I know I'm not supposed to be with the orangette Shinigami but as he swings his hips back and forth taking me pleasurably, he moans with his eyes closed, teeth biting his lower lips, hands gripping my thighs, sweat running down his body, down his six packs… kami! He feels so good.

I'm so fucked.

My legs dangle in the air, supported by his hands and thrusting body, my body heaves and writhes like it never has before on the bed and it feels so alien to me.

“Do you like it, Renji…do you like my dick...it’s just you and me now…Renji…” he's muttering against the skin of my legs as he rubs his face on my leg. He's pounding faster and harder, he's losing control, he's getting way ahead of me.

And of all times I feel the need to piss myself but wha….

“Let it go Renji, just let it go darling.” He whispers hotly, his hips slapping harder against mine, my boypussy on wettened fire, clenching and clenching.

I tried to hold it in, I tried not to piss myself and disgrace myself with Ichigo, I struggled to gain control of myself. “Ichigo.” I moan desperately trying to beg him to let me up briefly but the sound of his name on my lips makes him break.

He slams in rougher and harder, and suddenly thick white ropes of sperm shoot out of my swollen cock as he pounded my clenching hole hard. He fucked the come out of me and I was yet to orgasm. How? What the fuck?! My orgasm hit hard.

Suddenly, I'm thrashing about, moaning, clenching, in the throes of an alien feeling of disbelief mixed with pleasure. Vaguely, I feel him swell in me and throb repeatedly. I know he's shooting his spunk up my ass, inseminating me as he trembles between my legs.

His grip on me slacks and his coiled body begins to relax. My legs in the air are shaking and my body spasming from aftershocks. My cock is still hard even though I’d just come.

Ichigo pulls out still dreamy eyed and does the unexpected. He pushed my body into position, squats above me, rubs lubricant on my cock, parts his cheeks and sinks slowly unto me.

Fuck!! I almost scream at his tightness. I'm sensitive but I'm still cocked and ready for him. He wraps his arms around my neck, braces himself and begins to ride me like a lady. He swings his hips up and down, back and forth, moaning and panting, picking up pace.

Panting out my name in between soft whispers of ‘fuck fuck fuck…oh shit’, he massages his prostate with my cock. I know I'm close, I wont last much longer. I whisper. “Ichigo hurry, I'm so fucking close.”

He groans loudly, it seems he gets off on a vocal lover. He rides me harder and faster. I want to say something to encourage him, but my cock is swelling again. His cock is hard and hitting my abs as it swings in abandon around between his open legs.

“Oh god oh god oh god.” I desperately mutter as my senses are being overloaded by sensation and the sight of him taking his pleasure from me. I'm sure I'm going to come and leave him unsatisfied. My hand shoots down and grips his cock and lets him fuck into my palm while grinding his ass down hard on me.

A scream erupts from his throat as he comes suddenly, his come shooting out and painting my chest and lips. That teenage body of his is so intriguing. He clamps down on me hard and I lose my senses. Its too much for me. My body vibrates hard as I grip him harder.

His lips fuse above mine as I black out temporarily, when I come to, I'm kissing him like he's life and air to me. I'm holding his slender body to mine in a tight grip that suggests possessiveness. He's also trembling in my arms. It seems his world moved the way mine did.

His eyes are closed, his breath a staccato, his tongue a swirling mass, his palms cup my face in adoration, his body slithering over mine, his body vibrating in release and aftershocks, and that is what wrenches my passion out of me.

“Ichigo.” I come again helplessly, a slow dragged out dry orgasm. The sheer desperation of the situation does me in.

How long has Ichigo been in love with me? How long has he wanted me? How has he coped each time he saw me, and I was oblivious to his feelings? Did it torture him that I was with Kuchiki-Taicho? What has he endured having unrequited love for me?

My arms tighten around him as I come down from my second orgasm. In all my years, second orgasms never came this easily, but being here with Ichigo like this…

We lay in each other’s arms, unspeaking all night. I forget what upset me. I can’t even think of anything except the orange haired boy in my arms whom I take time out to show my appreciation to. I gently touch him, kiss him without the need for words, we snuggle together as I stroke his hair.

I wake up with him still in my arms. We don’t make love. We stare at each other in the eye and smile again and again.

_I could live like this forever_

The thought comes to me unbidden, but I don’t run away from it. I extract myself from his long limbs. I feel refreshed. I feel happy. I put on my boxers and go and make breakfast for us.

I give him strict instructions to stay in bed. I want to serve him breakfast, just the way same way Kuchiki-Taicho would’ve done if I’d been in his bed. It had a way of making my day. I want to make Ichigo's day too. I want to make him happy.

After eating, we showered and I'm off to work with a whistle on my lips. I don’t care that I'm late. I feel so bright, so invigorated. I know that Ichigo has Orihime, and we can’t be together as a couple, I'm content to just have his love. And he loves me, just me.

I try not to think of the orange haired girl waiting for him when he leaves me as I arrive at my office. I try not to think of all the rules we are breaking with the limit our ages place on our relationship. I smile at the thought of being in a relationship with Ichigo.

The door between Kuchiki-Taicho's office and mine opens and he's standing in the doorway. He does something that shocks me, that makes me stop in my tracks unable to approach my seat.

He smiles at me.

He's leaning against the doorframe and giving me a bright wide genuine smile. I stare at him, a bit shocked. When last did he come to the door? When last had he smiled at me like that? Why the fuck is my heart beating so fast? Why the hell am I feeling extra happy suddenly because he smiled at me?

“It’s been so long since I heard you whistling.” He says lightly.

My brain stops whatever it was doing. I stopped whistling. I'm standing like a frightened animal just staring at him. An awkward silence ensues for about a minute, then he's walking towards me.

My head is screaming _‘STOP! DON’T! NO! Go back to your fucking desk Kuchiki-Taicho’_. He curls his arm around my neck and pulls me to him. Our lips meet, and he presses them together briefly before pulling away. He's trying to tease me.

Confusion slams through my head. My brain is trying to reset itself. I don’t understand what is happening.

This is Byakuya in a light mood. A flirtatious mood. I have never been able to resist his flirtations. Another shy smile at me and he peeks at me under his lashes. Instantly I understand what is going on, Byakuya is horny.

He wants me to kiss him hard, to lose my control and rough handle him. I curse myself for knowing what he wants. I curse myself harder for wanting to. My hands without control shoot around him and grasp his waist roughly.

I see the sly smile of victory coyly flit over his lips. He's testing my resolve, he is testing to see if really, I can say no to him. I wonder if I can at all. It has always been this for him. The rukongai dog that cannot control his beastly desires around the pure noble.

And for a while I admit, I was that and I loved being that. I know I am always going to admire and love this beautiful cunning creature in my arms, who holds so much sway over me, who revels in the fact that he owns me and can make me do his every bidding.

Even now, I'm helpless in that knowledge, I'm pathetic. I sway towards him giving into his seduction but suddenly his eyes darken, and he steps away from me like he'd seen a ghost. He looks confused for a second or two.

He rushes back into his office and I can hear him rummaging around for a few minutes. I don’t understand what is happening and I'm still frozen in one spot, my mind blank and waiting for him. He says loud enough for me to hear.

“I missed you last night. I thought you would come to bed.”

My surprise worsens. Why would he expect that? Are we back to being lovers? He's still progressing with the wedding, isn’t he? Could he have been expecting me to return just because I had a terrible lapse in better judgment the other night and let him fuck me?

“I had somethings to do.” I lie.

He comes back quickly and he's holding a white scarf with gold trimmings. It’s probably one of those ceremonial scarves he got after a public function as Kuchiki clan head. He wraps the scarf around my neck, raises to tip toes to bring himself level to me and presses another kiss to my lips.

He says with a somewhat shaky voice, “Don’t make me wait tonight.” He retreats but stops at the door and adds, “Please Renji.” Then he's gone leaving the door open.

I must be dreaming. I collapse on my chair and work hard, I have no other option. I don’t want to think or try to understand what is happening right now.

I've got Ichigo waiting for me at home. I was happy this morning in that knowledge until now…Kuchiki-Taicho is… he had asked me nicely to come to his rooms tonight. I don’t want to go. For the first time ever, I don’t want to be with Kuchiki-Taicho tonight. I don’t know how to tell him either.

We work in mutual silence until it’s time for afternoon training with some of the rookies. I'm about to leave when I realize no one has come to greet him today, no congratulatory baskets or flowers have arrived.

I take my leave after one final glance at him.

In the changing room, as I change into my sparring uniform, that’s when I see them. Hickeys the size of the Sereitei on both sides of my neck. Dammit! I didn’t even know I could bruise. Ichigo did a good number on marking me last night.

Wait a minute, was that the reason for Kuchiki-Taicho giving me the scarf? I foolishly questioned myself.

What other reason could it have been for? Then he must know what I’d been up to last night now. Getting fucked silly. And yet he wants me to come to him tonight? That can’t be right.

I'm twice as confused as I was before I left the office. I spar with the squad members. I hit too hard today trying to cover up my panic and confusion.

What do I do?

How do I say no to Kuchiki-Taicho? Yet how can I go home to Ichigo when my heart is longing for Kuchiki-Taicho, but my body and my emotions were burning and craving for Ichigo?

What do I do now?


	7. Nothing really matters anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything comes to an end

It’s all so confusing. This body of mine is terrible and is torturing me now. I want Byakuya, but I also want what I felt with Ichigo last night.

I want to feel loved and accepted. I want to get lost in someone that truly wants me body and soul. I want to get hot for someone equally red hot for me.

Sparring ends up being more violent than I’d initially planned. This leads to a good number of my underlings being sent to division four for medication and patching up while the rest hobble back to their rooms with joy on their faces. Apparently, it’s a big deal for unseated members to spar with their fukutaicho, and they brag about it all the time within the Gotei 13.

It’s also a big deal for them to see me return to my wild and brutal self during training. Several Shinigami tell me how happy they are for the improvement in my mood.

We seem to have taken a longer period for sparring today. I myself have a few bruises since I had taken on several attacks at once at some point during sparring. I limp back to my office first.

I need to change and have a bath, but I need to shift my schedule around, the rest of work can wait today. I also want to slip out briefly to see Ichigo and explain why I won’t be around tonight. I decided sometime during sparring to try to talk to Byakuya about our relationship and end things with him before moving on to Ichigo, but on my desk is a message from Ichigo.

Apparently, something came up at home in Karakura town with one of his twin sisters and he had to leave impromptu, however he hoped I could come soon to see him in the human world.

I feel uneasy about that. I can’t put it past Byakuya to have done something to get rid of him.

I can sense Byakuya's reiatsu but it’s not where it’s supposed to be and I'm doubly surprised. I clear my desk rapidly. This can’t be happening, Byakuya can’t be doing this to me. It’s so unfair. He cheated on me, he's getting married, he doesn’t deserve to control my life or manipulate my time anymore.

These thoughts run through my head as I race towards my rooms in the sixth barracks. I enter my room at neck breaking speed and it’s exactly as I’d feared. My room which I had abandoned in haste had been tidied. The scent of Sakura flowers permeated the air.

I knew what lay behind the door from my living room to my bedroom, but it still stopped me in my tracks to see. Byakuya lay on dark blue sheets on his stomach. He's gloriously naked from head to toe and I drink in the sight hungrily.

His head is on the pillow, it’s encased in a sky-blue pillow case. His black hair is loose and flowing across the next pillow like a coal river, alive and bubbling. His back is a pale expanse of skin like white sand on the edge of a beach in contrast to the deep blue sea of the bedsheet. The swell of his pale cheeks, smallish, firm, delicately perched above long legs extending forever to bare feet.

Kuchiki-Taicho knows how to seduce me. His face is away from the door, but I can still see it peaceful and relaxed- waiting. I know he's not asleep. He's waiting for me to lose control.

I do.

From that moment everything happens in a blur for me. It’s an out of body experience. Zabimaru my beloved zanpakuto clatters to the floor unmindfully. I rush to the bathroom and have a quick shower to clean off the sweat and dust from sparring and an attempt to cool me down.

Needless to say, it doesn’t work as I get out quickly, dry myself and reenter my room. The sight of my naked captain in my bed like an offering is too much for me.

I'm upon him in a frenzy. My lips clasp upon his as my body shakes with need and he trembles in my arms at the force of my passion. He's whimpering softly as I dominate his lips with mine and his body with mine, pressing him deep into the mattress. He opens for me in a rare fashion.

It’s almost unbelievable to see, the times Byakuya is like a woman. He kisses me like a woman all hot and bothered and whimpering to my every touch. He spreads his legs open and winds his waist against mine needy in a seductive way.

Kami! Don’t get me started on the strangled sounds of pleasure he makes when I began to suck his nipples and nibble on them. He gripped my head, holding it to his chest and moaned prettily encouraging me to ‘chew on them, kiss them, lick them’ one after the other.

He spreads his legs eagerly when my lips dip downward to kiss his ass and lick his hole, dipping my tongue in sloppily and wiggling in and out of it while he moans and caresses my hair.

He's not Kuchiki-Taicho any more, in this moment, he's Renji’s slut.

His mouth is filthy, his body is fire itself as he plasters himself to me one moment then the next he's swooning in my arms, rubbing his legs on the soft sheets and my legs. He drew my lips back to his neck and he's going to be bruised when I'm done with him.

I kiss his neck, I bite, I chew, I punish. The noises I make are far from controlled or innocent. I'm growling like an animal. I intend to devour him whole. It’s what he brings out of me, my fucked-up side, when he acts like this. He reminds me that he is giving me something I didn’t even know I needed until he gave it to me.

This isn’t right. This isn’t fair, I can’t control myself, I can’t stop. I mount him and penetrate him without much preparation, I don’t need to because he has prepared himself for me. I sink in deep with one hard stroke. He wails out at the surprise deep breach of his body.

I invade his ass with a vengeance, I fuck him like a cheap whore. I ride him hard like the bitch he is in this moment, he whimpers as the fullness of my passion dips in and out of him. We are in my territory now, I can’t be bothered if anyone hears the sounds I fuck out of his throat.

When we are like this he looks so gentle, so submissive, so beautiful, so peaceful, so in love with me. He's gazing at me through hooded eyes, eyes full of adoration as I take him with abandon.

I know I've been played. I know he must've done something to get Ichigo out of the Sereitei. I also know he's putting his claim back on me. I want to protest but I'm the one lost in his tight ass tonight. I slam in erratically, like a piston, venting out my anger and frustrations of the last couple of weeks.

Grunting in surprise, I watch his swollen flesh release his thick come untouched. His voice simultaneously rises in high pitch as he comes, he's clutching at the sheets for anchor. He blushes deep red and I know he must be feeling shame at his lack of control. It’s beautiful the way he comes, the way he loses control.

My thrusts are throwing him around. My balls tightening quickly and my thrusting flesh fattening and stretching his used passage further. I fall off the edge of controlled insanity, high on the fact that I’d just fucked the come out of Kuchiki-Taicho. I collapse unto my side and drift off almost immediately.

When I regain consciousness, I see Byakuya sitting at my table, wrapped up in my favorite kimono. The white one with pink butterflies at its edge. He's doing some work. The candle he’s using is throwing gentle tones of light on his skin. It makes him look ethereal.

His hair still hangs loose like a black curtain over his shoulders. He seems to have brushed it down until it’s literally glowing. I'm lying naked under my sheets and staring at him. This is exactly how we were before his betrayal.

He turns and sees me staring. He must also notice the riot of emotions on my face. I am feeling too many things all at once for words.

I am feeling ashamed for being so easy and a bit angry at him for playing me and for being so perfect. Above all I'm angry at him for taking advantage of the fact that I still love him and would do anything for him.

But do I? Do I still love him? It’s a question I'm pondering on as our eyes lock and hold. I should probably tell him to leave, I should probably tell him I have been with Ichigo.

I can’t, and I don’t.

Then he smiles at me. That small shy smile reserved for me. The one that says, ‘I know you see through me, I know you caught me.’ It’s true, I have not been fooled by anything he said or did. From the moment I walked into that room and saw him with Yuki, I knew.

I face the truth of what I know to be true.

Kuchiki-Taicho loves me, and not one day would he ever love me less than I love him.

“Renji I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.” He says quietly.

I don’t remember what I was so angry about anymore.

I say nothing, I don’t need to. I just lie back content to watch him as he works. He gives me that tiny smile and gets back to work. I watch him as time passes. This is the reason -I think- that he thinks he can cheat on me and everything will go back to normal eventually.

I'm in love with him. Everything about him. When he's awake, when he's sleeping, when he's angry, when he's loving, when he's behaving badly or not. I gave him that power and now I watch him use it.

We can’t continue like this I tell myself. I don’t realize when I fall asleep but when I woke up, he was gone.

***

I'm in my office working and Kuchiki-Taicho has gone to Sou-Taicho’s office for a meeting. I can relax for a moment or two, try to put my mind together before he gets back. Or so I thought until she is in my office.

Lady Karini Yuki

She sits on my guest seat without my invitation or permission, I don’t like it one bit. She's already taken Kuchiki manor and his office, does she want mine now? She's wearing something expensive and smells like something close to perfection.

I think that if she and I were available and not sworn enemies, I’d hit on her. But she's the enemy and the words out of her mouth confirm it.

“They told me it couldn’t be done.”

“What?” I ask feeling a bit confused

“They said that no one could take Kuchiki-Taicho away from you.”

I said nothing in reply, what could I possibly say, so I wait for her point.

“They told me Kuchiki-Taicho is a hard man to get. Doesn’t want much or anything for that matter. I mean for a man who already has everything life can offer, that is expected.”

I feel like screaming at her to get to her point and leave.

“They said the one thing he wanted, he already had. You. And that it was impossible to have one without the other.”

“What do you want lady Yuki?” I asked impatience clear in my voice.

“Give him to me Abarai fukutaicho. He's going to marry me and I'm going to love him, far much more than you can imagine.” She said her voice full of passion, “Plus we should be friends since I'm to become the Lady of the sixth division. I know now that Kuchiki-Taicho will never give you up or change his second in command.”

I must be looking at her incredulously. I can’t believe she is thinking of such evil. I feel anger rising in me. What rubbish? What nonsense! She stole him from me and now she wants me to let go of him? She wants us to be friends.

“Lady you need to get up and leave.”

“Please Renji,” she begged, “He didn’t come home last night. I know he was with you.”

Was she monitoring our activities now? How dare she say these things to me. I'm more than unsettled by her confrontation. She must have known what we do when we are alone together.

“Lady Yuki, first of all, you do not have the right to call me by my first name, so you wont ever again, do you understand?”

She could see I was livid with anger and she nodded so I continued.

“Second, you do realize you are saying you targeted Kuchiki-Taicho and forced your way into his life, stealing him from me and now you're here asking me to be ok with it? To give him to you?”

She does not give me a reply, she just looks at me in the eye defiantly, knowingly. It pisses me off.

“Get out.” I say coldly

“Please understand Abarai fukutaicho, I love him.”

“No! I love him. He needs me and you… you only want him because you couldn’t have him. What kind of woman are you? You're not welcome here, now leave.”

“You think what he needs is an asshole to fuck in secret? That’s just pitiable.” she taunted even as she stood to her feet.

“Oho, you think he's into me just for my ass? I don’t need this.” I shot back at her as I got on my feet heatedly, preparing to throw her out bodily. She had to have known the secrecy of our relationship was a sore topic for me.

“You can never give him what he craves, what he truly needs but I, Abarai fukutaicho, I can give him a son.”

It’s like cold water has been flung on me suddenly. My hatred, my anger, my pain, my hurt, my joy, my laughter- everything fizzles out with that statement as I inhale sharply at her viciousness.

“What… Kuchiki-Taicho wants children?” Unable to stop myself, I asked foolishly.

“Of course! Why else would he have you and still want me enough to marry me. You need to see Renji, he's marrying me not you, so give him up, give him to me.”

I stand confused and doubly hurt. This can’t be happening to me. How could I not have seen it coming? No matter what Kuchiki-Taicho wants, Kuchiki-Taicho has always been dutiful and part of duty for him is the propagation of his lineage.

I want to laugh hard and at the same time I want to cry like a baby. Its unbelievable.

“Get out before I kill you with my bare hands.” I growl.

She flees for dear life

*** 

Kuchiki-Taicho comes back from division one. He's moving lightly, it means he's happy. My door is shut, and I just want to vomit because her perfume lingers after she left.

The adjoining door opens, and he peeks in at me. His face looks straight but I can tell he's got a tiny smile filtering across his lips. He's smug and why wont he be, he knows he's got me, even now my heart stirs in undefined pleasure at seeing him.

I feel an unexpected zing of hot anger stab at my core. I am raging mad at Kuchiki-Taicho and he doesn’t see my next reaction coming.

“What are you looking at? What are you smiling at me for? Why are you even here?” There is obvious venom in the tone of my voice.

“Renji,” he says softly, he seems taken aback by my outburst, that’s clear enough, “What's going on? I wanted to see your face. I haven’t seen you today.” He tries to explain.

“Yes, you did, you saw me in bed. We spent the night together.”

“Yes, but I left early. Is there something wrong with me wanting to see you again?”

“To what end Kuchiki-Taicho, to gaze upon the face of the man who can never give you children?”

“What?” he sounds and looks surprised.

“And don’t ask me where this is coming from,” I can see he's about to protest my outburst “You and I know you are still going ahead to marry that woman, aren’t you?”

“Yes but…”

“Don’t but me Kuchiki-Taicho,” I have had enough of his excuses. “I understand you were pressured by the Kuchiki council, I can also understand your wanting children, but you took her to your room- our room.”

He has no replies for me, so I power on.

“You took her to our personal dress maker, the one I showed you I liked, and if that’s not bad enough she's now wearing the perfume you keep for me in your room. What is next, Sakura garden tea time?”

My outburst is uncalled for, I know but my hurting has reached its limits. Those places were and had been our places and their memories are now ruined. It’s been too long since this crack in my world appeared, it has become a gulf with my silence.

“I've never let her into the Sakura garden, I also don’t intend to anytime soon.”

“Anytime soon?! So, it’s an eventuality after you have gotten rid of me properly, then she will be let into the garden?” I'm getting more furious than necessary.

I can hear the pattering of feet running to get close enough. Division six members are drawn towards my angry raised voice. The long-awaited outburst of Abarai fukutaicho is finally here. I don’t care if the entire Sereitei hears me at this point, I’m just… so hurt I want to die.

“Don’t be ridiculous Renji, that’s not what I meant.”

“So, you say now but who’s to say really, after all you didn’t consult me on the issue of getting yourself a girlfriend in the first place.”

“I'm not getting a girlfriend, I'm getting a wife and why on earth should I consult you on such a matter?”

“Wow! Isn’t it ironic how that is the stance you take. Yet, you can come to me at night, under the cover of darkness, seduce my stupid idiocy, which can’t figure out why the bloody hell I can be in love with you when you so distastefully walk all over…”

“Enough Abarai fukutaicho, enough with the big words and childish rant. Enough with the I'm not good enough self-pity and you know what- you're right. If you never feel good enough for me, when will you ever? Am I supposed to wait my entire life for you to get over yourself? At least with Yuki she's my equal.”

“Oh no you didn’t just… I'm your equal, in strength and in everything else…”

“Except nobility, that you're born with. A thing you'd never know about else we won’t be having this shouting match.”

I'm stunned into silence. Kuchiki-Taicho just called me a commoner who is beneath him but what was I expecting, it’s the truth.

Just because I was sleeping with him, that did not make me noble. I have never felt so small in my life.

He looks furious and regretful all at once, he doesn’t apologize but I don’t care.

I don’t care about anything anymore.

_I can’t…_

_I can’t take this anymore. _

_I can’t be here anymore._

“Yeah,” I say, hating how my voice sounds so pained and tearful. “I'm sorry Kuchiki-Taicho but fuck you, I don’t need this.”

I grabbed Zabimaru simultaneously yanking off the scarf- his scarf- that covers my hickeys and slam it at his feet.

I storm out of my office.

I'm resolved.

As usual, sixther’s scatter like pigeons out of my way, I leave the sixth barracks, I walk away but I know I’d never be free of him ever.

I’d never be free of this hurt or pain.

I know now I’d never love anyone else.

I can’t get away from him ever.

He'd always pull me back in, one way or another.

My life is bound to Kuchiki-Taicho and what would I do with this life now that he doesn’t want me.

I walk until I'm out of the Sereitei, I don’t look back.

I know where I'm going to.

A place I don’t have to return from.

Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate all who have followed this story  
I am sorry for ending it abruptly, however, Renji and Byakuya will return in Byakuya's version of the story.
> 
> As always comments, kudos, repeated hits, bookmarks, referrals, secret likes etc are highly welcome and appreciated.
> 
> This story was inspired by a real life story. I do not advice or condone suicide as an option for an escape from abusive relationships. If you are in one, get help knowing the strength to rise above life's difficulties lies within each of us.


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